Singing Songs That Make You Slit Your Wrists
by LayneFlyer
Summary: A girl by the name of Millie finds her way through life with the help of her family and friends. MCR fanfiction.
1. cemetary drive

"Amelia?" a high squeaky voice asked, snapping me out of my daze. I wanted to pretend I was somewhere else, somewhere I could be safe and call home. That place was now nowhere to be found; I wanted to run. Every muscle in my body told me to run but they wouldn't move, frozen from the fear. "Amelia?" She asked again, sounding kind of annoyed this time. "My name is Millie." I responded immediately, now I was getting annoyed. I hated being called "Amelia". That wasn't my name anymore. It brought me back to old times when things were… different. I wont say better because it wasn't, it was just a different kind of fucked up.

"This will be you room." She said pointing to a dingy old door that looks as if it could have been white at some time in history. There was a tiny window with bars at the top of the old door. I was too short to see through it. There was also a locked opening that I later learned was for giving me the steaming shit they called food. _This isn't a room. it's a prison, _I thought. I couldn't live here; no one should have to live here. Again, the urge to run came over me. I nearly drowned in it. I l peered over my shoulder at the two massive men standing over me. I scanned the dusty hallway for the nearest exit and forced my short legs to take me there as fast at they could. It was a few yards away but before I could get five feet away huge hands tightly clasped my arms. I was being carried back to the cell unwillingly. I kicked and fought and screamed but they wouldn't stop. They threw me into the tiny room and swiftly locked me in. I was a prisoner and this would be a war.

I took a deep breath and screamed as I pounded on the moldy floor. My screams echoed on the stone walls. It was a few minutes until my frustration level finally cooled down a bit. "I don't understand why they sent me here." I whispered to myself. They were the ones who caused me destroy myself. All the arguing, the yelling, oh and the emotional stress they put me through with the divorce. It was much worse than the physical pain I put on myself. It was torture. They sent me away to that horrible place to be put on "suicide watch". People walking around with fake smiles acting like they care but as soon as you turn on them they drug you until you lose all memory. I don't want to be another victim. I notice I was crying until warm tears were dripping onto my arm.

I peeled the bloody bandage off my arm and threw it on the floor. The blood had started to dry so it tugged at the fresh wound. I gasped a little at the pain but then felt bad for it because I know I've felt worse. The skin around the cut was red and puffy. It looked sort of infected. I lightly touched it and pain shot up my arm. I bit my lip to keep from screaming. I rubbed my fingers over the old and faded scars that were left there throughout my tragic lifetime. Each one had a reason but there were too many to remember so I didn't bother to. I didn't want to remember anyway, its something I try to avoid.

"Millie we're only doing this to help you. We want the best for you, sweetie. They will help you." My mother whined. "Look at yourself! I cant believe you've done this!" She grabbed my wrists and stared disappointedly at the aging scars and fresh wounds on my wrists traveling up my arm. Warm tears of anger formed in my eyes. I blinked a few times to hold them back. "You're hurting yourself and we're worried." My Father added. I know he didn't really care about me, he never did.

"Yeah right. If you really cared you would take care of me yourself like good parents, but instead you're sending me to a prison!" I yanked my arms free and backed away. "Do you know what they do to people in there? It should be illegal! But its not like you care! You'll send your only daughter there just to get her away from you. Neither of you care at all! You just don't get it! You see these?" I held up my arms. "Ninety percent of these are because of you! They way you treat me forces me to do this to myself. You blame me for all my pain! Do you really think I want this? Why don't you look at yourself!" I had such a fucked up family.

My mother was a tall, thin woman with short blonde hair. She always tried to stay neat and clean, it was a bit of an obsession. She sold overly expensive houses to unsuspecting victims. She loved it, it was like she was sucking the very life out of those poor people. My father was a short fat man. His dark brown hair was already beginning to turn grey an fall out. I blame it on all the recent stress. He "worked from home", in other words, he's jobless. He was a lazy fucker and I've always hated him even more than my mother. He treats me like shit and very rarely my mother would defend me… when they aren't fighting themselves. All I hear is screaming day and night. I try to drown them out with music but sometimes that's not even enough.

I sat on the floor of my tiny room. I would be leaving the next day but none of my things were packed. I wouldn't be allowed to bring anything anyway. The summer breeze from the open window made the candle light flicker. I held the delicate blade in the palm of my hand. Slowly I dragged the blade against the pale skin on my right arm. A six-inch gash oozed with blood. There was so much that I started to panic. I tried to look for something to cover the wound but when I stood up everything went black.

"It's not that bad here." A girl with long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and wearing a hospital gown sat next to me in the musty cafeteria. At first I didn't notice that she was talking to me. I tried to pick a spot by myself so this wouldn't happen. "I'm here cause I have an eating disorder." She made a face at the food on her tray. "I even tried cutting myself all over. I thought getting rid of some of my blood would make me look skinnier. Ugh, there was so much blood." I ignored her but the stupid Barbie wouldn't leave. "But then they gave me these pills. They keep me from worrying about my weight. They keep me from worrying about anything." I wrapped my arms closer around my body, trying to forget the old memories and to protect myself even though I knew it was useless. "So why are you here?" She asked in a cheerful voice. How could she be so happy in a place like this? "Well?" she questioned. I refused to meet her gaze. I felt like her eyes were digging into the side of my head. I pulled my hair to the side hoping to cover my face. I looked around at the other girls looking just as lifeless as me. We were robbed of everything that made us human.

"I wanna be alone." I mumbled. She didn't leave but she did shut up. She sat awkwardly at the broken table, her blue eyes fixed on my face. Her presence disturbed me a lot. "I'm Jessica by the way." she said shyly after about ten minutes of silence. I looked up at her briefly. She smiled at me and tugged at the sleeve of the ripped hospital gown. "I've spent the past few days at the infirmary cause my cuts got infected." Cuts? I tried my best to cover the scars. The cuts that weren't heal yet burned when I touched them. I thought back to my first days here I spent there too. I cut a vein and started bleeding out. I passed out in my bedroom before anyone found me. I was apparently rushed to the hospital and I woke up here. Once I regained some strength they gave me my own room, a cell. "I'm Millie and everyone hates me." I tried to force a half smile to lighten the mood but I didn't work at all. "I don't hate you." She peered at my curiously as if she'd never seen someone in pan before. "You will, just wait."

"I think we can fix you. We can get rid off all the unnecessary anger. It will just involve therapy and possibly a little surgery." The woman scribbled away on a clipboard as she spoke to me. She wouldn't even look me in the eyes. When she said surgery I panicked. "Surgery? What are you going to do to me?" I jumped from my chair and the giant man standing next to me grabbed my arm. Using almost no strength at all he forced me back into the chair. "Don't worry, its just a bit of exploratory surgery. We just want to see what in your head makes you the way you are. Then our goal will be to fix it." She explained calmly but I couldn't stand it.

"Surgery on my brain? Do you really think I'll let you cut open my head and poke around inside? You're the mad one, not me!" I tried to make a run for the door but a large man grabbed me again before I could reach freedom. I struggled to break free of the man's grasp but it was useless. "GET OFF ME!" I yelled and screamed and fought for my life. His giant hands were bruising my pale skin. There was no escaping.

"This wont hurt a bit!" The doctor stabbed a needle into my flailing arm. Everything got blurry and I started to lose control of my muscles. Still I fought to save myself. Still useless, but this time my body wouldn't even respond. My body went limp and I blanked out.

I used all the power I had to open my eyes, everything was blurry. When things became clear I realized I was in my cell. The doctor was facing the opposite wall while angrily whispering to a tall, well dressed woman. "YOU!" I yelled. He turned around and stared at me. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BRAIN? What did you do to me?" I begged for an answer and trying not to freak out as much as I was.

"Your brain? I did nothing!" She yelled at me with a nasty tone in her voice. I almost frightened me.

"You're a liar!" I yelled back accusingly.

"Actually she's right. She didn't touch your head." The woman interrupted our argument. "When your parents heard of the procedure she would be doing they called me. I'm your lawyer." She reached her hand out to me. I flinched and shrugged away. "Poor social skills…" She said to herself and she wrote something down in a notebook. I looked curiously at it. "This?" She said holding up the notebook when she noticed me glancing at it. "This is your case. Your parents realized what a terrible decision it was to bring you here and they want you home. Sadly its not as easy as checking you out. The doctors here believe you are a danger yo yourself and others and refuse to let you leave. I'm here to prove you're fine and send you home." I wasn't sure if I could trust her or not. I didn't want to go home but I didn't want to stay here. Either way I'm in hell.

All I people I've met but I'm not sure who to trust. The only person I probably could trust was Jessica. She was an airhead but she wasn't like the other girls. She seemed to understand.

"**In a way it seems there's no-one to callWhen our thoughts are so numbAnd our feelings unsureWe all have emptiness insideWe all have answers to findBut, you can't win this fight!"**

**Welcome To The Family- Avenged Sevenfold**


	2. But wheres your heart

"**I promised him I would keep on living. I promised him would never be okay. I promised we would all go to hell!" I thought out loud as Jessica walked into the room. She looked at me confused. I sat up from my bed surprised to see her in my room. *Even though she has a habit of entering unannounced.* "Who is… he?" She asked. "Gerard Way." I said instantly cheering up when I spoke his name. "Who?" She asked. "You don't know Gerard Way? My Chemical Romance? Frank Iero?" She sat on my bed and shook her head obviously still confused. "Well you're lucky snuck in these!" I reached under my bed and pulled out an old shoe box full of all the My Chem things I owned. Cds, DVDs, posters, pins, everything. We spent all afternoon listening to songs and watching videos and hanging posters on the bare white walls. **

**When I checked the clock it was 5:30 PM and the winter sun was setting on the horizon. "Well we better head down to dinner before the men in white try to drug us." joked. Jess chocked out a small laugh. "You said you promised him all those things," Jess said as we sat down at a cafeteria table. "So you guys are friends or something?" She asked while picking at her food. "I wish!" I almost yelled. "Then how did you…" Again she looked confused. "I've been to a concert but my mom dragged me out before I had the chance to see 'em after. I'm part of the MCRmy so its kinda implied that I would live up to the lyrics." Her Barbie face crinkled in confusion yet again. "mc-army?" She asked. "Yeah, M-C-R-my!" I rolled up my sleeve to show her my MCRmy tattoo. "Its My Chem's army of dedicated fans. " I explained. "Oh that's nice I guess. But I don't like violence." She looked disappointed. "Oh no! its not that kinda army! I promise!" **

**After dinner we went back to my room to watch LOTMS together. After a while Jess's jaw dropped with shock. "That, my friend is Ferard." I stated proudly. "But they just… kissed. Two guys… and strangely I liked it." I laughed at her confusion. She is such a Barbie. "Yeah I know, I know!" I giggled. "But why? Are they homos?" Okay laughter ended. "No! its just a thing they do. Why are you homophobic or something?" Again with the confused face. "Oh no I'm not… homophobic? Hey he's cute!" I looked at the screen and saw Frank rocking out to Thank You for the Venom. "That's Frank. He's awesome isn't he. I hope that some day I'll be as good at guitar as he is." She didn't seem to hear anything I had said. "Huh? " She said finally breaking her gaze from the TV when the song ended. "Oh you play guitar?" I sighed. "Yes Barbie girl I do. Well not really. I'm no good." She paused for a moment and I thought she was trying to translate what I was saying into Barbie talk but she had a deepness in her eyes that I couldn't ignore. Before I could ask her what she was thinking (which was probably nothing) she said "I bet your not bad at all. I bet you are as good as this cute Frank guy." Hmmm she actually complimented someone else besides herself. I didn't know the newer models were programmed to do something like that. "Well that's what you think…"**


	3. We all go to hell

I was in my hospital room fighting off boredom by playing Disenchanted on my guitar. It was my way of taking my mind off of things and I had a lot of things to keep out of my mind. My crazy stalker Jess has been up to something surprisingly suspicious and it was bugging me. My dreaded birthday would be coming up in a few days and my awful parents were coming to visit. Why would I wanna see them after all they've done? The proof is all over me. When I finished playing the song I plopped down on my musty bed and sighed. I raised my arms into the air and began counting my scars. 36 and that's just from their recent divorce. I used to cut on my thighs so it would be less noticeable. I stripped down to my underwear and began counting the old scars. 47.

**JESS POV:**

"Millie will be so happy with her surprise!" I thought out loud while decorating my room with confetti and happy birthday banners. "OH! I almost forgot the balloons!" I ran for the door and pumped into someone on the way out. "I'm so sorry! I was just getting balloons for my friend's birthday party. I'm sorry." I said in a rush. "You must be Jessica!" a short black haired woman said. A tall skinny man was standing next to her. His short hair was going gray and he had a wide smile on his face. "We're Amelia's parents." the man said.

"OH MI GOWD! You guys are here! Mill will be so excited! Just wait in here and I'll go get her!!!" I said while jumping up and down. I wiped my blonde hair out of my eyes and ran down the hall to Millie's room. I knocked three times but was too impatient and came in before she answered. "Oh gosh I'm sorry!" I yelled and covered my eyes with my hands. "Uh…" she stuttered. "All of those scars. You… you did that to yourself? Why?" Too bad she did that to herself. She _was_ really pretty I thought.

"Could you just leave now?" She demanded while pulling on a pair of old gray sweatpants and a Green Day t-shirt. "No! I have a surprise for you!" I wasn't going to let her have a terrible birthday. "And put on something nicer." I scolded while walking over to her closet. "Is this all you own?" I asked shocked to only find black t-shirts, skinny jeans, and a pile of high-tops. "This is _not _acceptable. I'll see if I have anything your size." I said disappointed and ran towards my room. I wont let her dress like an emo in front of Johnny.

**MILLE POV:**

"What is she doing?" I thought out loud. I peeked out the door and she was already gone so I locked my door. I sat on my bed and stared at the wall wanting to cry. A few minutes later I heard a knock at the door that made me jump. "Mill open this door!" Jess cried from the other side. "No!" I yelled back. She was really beginning to piss me off. "But I have a birthday present for you!" She whined. What was she talking about. My birthday wasn't until… today? I looked at the calendar and for sure I had forgotten my own birthday. I cracked open the door and poked my head out. "What?" She held out a little blue dress with frilly things at the top. "Oh-no! I'm NOT putting that thing on!" I screamed. She just smiled and held it closer to me.

"I cant believe I'm wearing this thing." I complained as we walked down the hall to her room. "Why am I wearing this anyways?" I asked looking down at my sneakers. Thank god for my small feet. "it's a surprise now stop asking!" She commanded. I hate surprises… and birthdays. We reached her door and she started to giggle excitedly. "Whaaat?" I asked annoyed. She opened the door and I almost screamed when the group of people inside yelled "SURPRISE!" I was going to kill Jess.


	4. We all wanna party when the funeral ends

"What the hell is this?" I looked around at my _old_ family and _old_ friends. I couldn't believe they actually let my parents ship me off to this nut house. "It's a party!" Jess exclaimed. "A birthday party! Isn't this fun?!" She said in a high pitched voice. I peered around the room from the party decorations to the presents on the bed with my mouth opened wide. "No, this isn't fun!" I yelled back. "This is the opposite of fun." I started to head back to my room when I heard a familiar voice call after me. "Millie wait!" he shouted over the music playing in the background. It stopped me in my tracks. "Johnny?" I practically whispered without looking back.

How could she bring him here? How could they let him into this place anyway? A tear rolled down my pale cheek. When I looked up he was standing right in front of me. His black messy hair hiding his guilty gray eyes. He wasn't looking at my face. "What?" I asked annoyed and ready to cry again. I wished so badly for my razor to comfort me and make the awkwardness fade away. "Nice dress." he laughed. When I didn't join in he stopped awkwardly. "So… how have you been?" He asked quietly while everyone else watched us silently. "Fuck you!" I yelled and stormed off to my room.

He grabbed my arm with his strong hand and forced me to stop. "OW!" I yelled though I wasn't really hurt. "I just wanna apologize." He said in a comforting voice that reminded me of why I dated him in the first place. "For what? Dumping me when you found out about my scars? For letting me harm myself so much? For letting them send me away to this place?" I officially lost it. I began crying uncontrollably. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. I was too weak from all the emotions swirling in my head to pull away. "It will be okay." He whispered in my ear.

**FLASHBACK:**

We were surrounded by girls yelling 'I LOVE YOU GEE!' and boys singing along to mama but we sure weren't paying much attention to the concert going on around us. We danced along to the music that surrounded us and we were in our own little world. Me and Johnny, Johnny and me. That's all there was. "I love you!" He yelled over the crowd. It would have been nice if had actually heard what he said instead of reading his lips. Speaking of lips, within moments his were on mine. The was nothing that could separate us. Or that what I thought.

"Come with me." He said with that bad boy look in his eyes that I always loved. He grabbed my hand and led me away from the crowd to the parking lot to his small back car. "I know where this is going." I said slyly and slid into the back seat and he followed after me. His lips quickly found mine again and traced down my jaw to my neck. He placed his hand up my shirt minus the inexperienced boy awkwardness. He obviously knew what he was doing. It felt wrong but I didn't want him to stop.

Suddenly he yanked he hand out from under my shirt and stared at his fingers in shock. Even though it was dark I could see the glistening of the blood. "You're… bleeding. Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" his confusion turned to worry and fear. "No it wasn't you! I'm okay." I quickly said kinda embarrassed. "But…" he said looking at the blood again. I pulled off my shirt and exposed my cuts all over my body. He looked shocked than angry. "Get out!" He yelled. "Just get out now!" I was scared so I left the car. He got into the car and left me all alone in the dark without a shirt to wear. I was starting to get cold out. Tears began to fill me eyes and I blindly ran to hide behind a big car where I hoped no one would find me for a long time.

It felt like hours had passed since Johnny left me stranded at the concert. Surprisingly I hadn't run out of tears because thy were still pouring down my cheeks and they were two hours ago. I didn't even move when I heard a group of people coming closer and closer. "You guys played great tonight." The voices sounded familiar but I could barely hear over my sobbing. "Wait do you hear something?" another voice said. "Yeah. It sounds like crying." Another man added. "There's a girl back here." The first voice said. "And she looks hurt. Help me get her off the ground."

I was too weak to stand on my own so two of the guys helped me to my feet. "Are you okay?" A voice asked. I was still blinded by the tears but I realized that there was 5 of them all wearing black uniforms. "Frank?" I asked confused. "Yes its me. Are you okay? Who did this to you? If I find his I will kill him for hurting a fan!" He said looking around the empty parking lot and if he was hiding somewhere around here.

"NO!" I yelled. I was mad at Johnny but I didn't want him to get hurt. "We don't fix things with violence." Gerard said. "Gee…gee…" I tried to say his name but I chocked on my tears. "I'll protect you." he said holding on to me tightly. "Wed better call her parents." Mikey said. "No!" I yelled back. "You're hurt and alone. Your parents must be worried." I felt a little more relaxed when I heard Ray's voice. "They don't care about me." I said emotionless. "Of course they care about you!" Frank comforted but I knew he felt my pain. "Well at least get some clothes and we'll decide what to do next." Bob said.

On the bus Frank tossed me a t-shirt that was way to big but I put it on anyways. "Misfits. Sweet!" I said coolly. "So you're a fan too?" Gerard asked with that cute smile on his face. All I could do was smile back. "You must be hungry. Pizza sound good?" Bob asked. I nodded my head in excitement obviously forgetting how I ended up there anyway. We found a small pizza place on a side road and stopped to eat. "So how'd you get all those scars?" Frank asked which depressed. Me.


	5. Teenagers

**FRANK POV:**

"So how'd you get all those scars?" I knew it was too soon to ask when I saw her face twist in pain and looked as if she was ready to punch me. "I'm sorry." I apologized and looked down at the table embarrassed. Gerard gave me the 'look what you've done now' look which made me feel worse. "No its okay." Millie said quietly. "Don't be mad at him." I looked up to see her smiling weakly at me. "I used to cut myself. Well I still do." she looked around at us guiltily. "But why?" Mikey asked. Bob shoved him with his elbow and Ray put his arm around Millie's shoulders to comfort her. "Just ignore him." he said.

**JOHNNY POV: *back at hospital***

"I promise you that everything will be okay from now on." I said knowing I couldn't keep that promise. What was I supposed to do? I was sure she would kill herself so I blocked her out of my life to keep myself from missing her when she was gone. "You don't know that." She cried into my chest. Suddenly her father stormed over to us and pulled her weak body out of my arms. "Don't touch her. You've done enough harm already causing her to cut up her body like that!" he yelled at me. Jessica stood as far away from him as possible in her room while Millie's mother crying into her hands.

"No! You're not understanding!" I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen. "Just go! I don't want to ever see you near my daughter again!" He ordered. I had no other choice so I left not sure what to do from there. All I knew was that I had to see Millie again and make things right between us.

**MILLI POV:**

"No get off of me!" I yelled at my dad. "You think you're helping me?" I asked when I broke free of his grasp. "More like 16 years of torture! And today's the day we celebrate another year of it. Happy birthday to me!" I shouted with tears pouring down harder than ever. I stomped off to my room cursing them all under my breath. "Millie wait! I'm sorry!" Jessica called after me which only reminded me of who had caused this terrible day. I could have spent it sitting in a white room all tied up like the crazy person I am.

I was awakened but a taping at my window. I groaned and rolled over onto my back at stared up at the ceiling when I heard the taping again. I peeked at the clock which said 4:30 am. "I must have fallen asleep in my own tears again." I thought out loud as I go up to see what was outside my window. When I saw Johnny peering up at me I was sure my face was flaming red with anger. I closed the dark curtains and hoped he would get the hint and go away. "Millie?" he voice was muffled from the distance between us. "Please." I thought I heard him ask disappointedly. I opened the window and looked down at him. "What?" I spat at him. "I have a birthday surprise for you!" He cheered. I rolled my eyes but I don't think he saw it.

"You just have to trust me. Come with me." I whispered into the night… okay more like early morning. "No, and even if I didn't trust you how would I get out of here without getting caught?" I questioned hoping this was enough to make him give up and leave. Apparently not. "Sneak out your window. Just like the old days when we would run off into the night together." Just the thought of being happy with him again convinced me enough. "Fine." I sighed. "Just let me get dressed first." he smiled his sneaky little smile that I always loved and I ran to grab a pair of black skinny jeans and my Slipknot hoodie.

"So where are we going?" I asked as we drove down a dark road past silent homes. It felt good to be free again. I sniffed the air breathing in all the scents that surrounded me. His car still smelled the same as it did the day he left. My happiness was ended by the haunting memory. "If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise anymore." I sighed and rested my head against the cool car window and watched the trees and houses and mailboxes go by all unknowing of our presence.

"Why did you go?" I asked suddenly. I knew the question caught him off guard by the way he tightened his grip on the steering wheel and his eyes moved back and fourth between me and the road ahead. "It wasn't your fault. Honestly." I already began to doubt what he was saying was the truth. "I was afraid of losing you." he continued. "When I saw those scars I thought you were already going thought some though shit. I didn't wanna get in your way. "

"In my way of what? Hurting myself?" I interrupted.

"That's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?"

"What I meant was that I was sure you were going to kill yourself and I didn't wanna be around when it happened. It would have been too painful."

"Oh I see. This is about you. Its always about you! Do you ever…"

"Okay this is it!" He interrupted my rant. I looked up to see us parked in front of an old familiar building. It was our town's crappy concert hall where I've been multiple times whenever my favorite bands came to town. The big glowing sign on the outside read : MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. ONE NIGHT ONLY! I couldn't believe it. He got tickets for the show and snuck me out of the nuts house for a night to take me with him. "OH-MI-GOWD! You actually got tickets to this show? It was sold out before they locked me away! How did you do that?" I screamed into his ear and hugged the crap outta him. "I got more than just tickets." he said slyly but I was too excited to notice.

He lead me into the crowded theater, passed the ticket booth, passed all of the seats and straight through the door that lead to back stage with the band. "What are you doing? We aren't allowed to be back here!" I scolded but he stayed calm and kept walking pulling me right behind him. "Finally I never thought you would get here before the show!" Frank said and grabbed me into a hug. "Look your almost as tall as me!" He laughed. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open like ad idiot. "Happy birthday Amelia!" Gerard yelled with the rest of the band right behind him.


	6. the hardest part of this is leaving you

"Its good to see you better now!" Ray smiled at me. "Hey guys." I smiled at them shyly. I haven't seen them since they sent me back to my parents after they convinced me that running away with them would not solve my problems. Okay more like forced me to agree to go home they would send me to the vampire that will never hurt me. Well I thought it would be fun but they were trying to prove a point.

"Hey you're that Johnny guy aren't you?" Bob snarled. "Yeah but we're back together now!" Johnny cheered. But I protested. "What? Back together? I trust you for one night and you think things are all fixed? This is all about you. You haven't changed one bit!" Frank pulled me into a hug while the Mikey called security to get Johnny out of there. I didn't want him anywhere near me. "Its okay he's gone now." The boys comforted me.

After I felt safer on my own the boys went on stage to start the show. They played Sleep first which was my favorite song off the Black Parade album because it always made me feel better when I was depressed. (which was a lot by the way.) After playing Welcome to the Black Parade, Famous Last Words, Teenagers and an bunch of other songs the concert was over and people began to leave the theater.

"That was awesome guys!" I shouted when they met me back stage. "Well I am awesome!" Frank said and laughed while Mikey shoved him. "I'm sorry you had to deal with that." Gerard said looking down at his feet. "Don't be. That guy's a real jerk."

**GERARD POV:**

I cant stand people sometimes. They can be so ignorant and cruel. Anger surged through my body when I thought of how Millie was treated. I just wanted to protect her from the ugliness in the world. But "We'd better get you back. Everyone is probably worried about you now." was all I could say. I didn't want to get involved and make things worse for her. "No one is worried. They probably all think I'm dead by now. Which will only make them happier." She sighed crinkling her face in deep thought. "NO! I will not let you think you aren't worth it anymore. Everyone has shit to deal with and your not gonna end up like the creeps who sit in the corner and cut themselves until they bleed out dry." What happened? Did I really just yell at her like that?

"You used to cut yourself didn't you?" She asked trying to meet my eyes but I wouldn't let her. "Well?" She persisted. I looked around at my band mates and they all seemed to expect and answer from me too though the already knew my grim past. "Like I said, we all go through tough shit." and that was all I had to say on that subject. "I need coffee!" I said hoping to lighten up the mood and at the time I really did need coffee. "TO STARBUCKS!" Mikey yelled. Haha!

I slowly sipped on my coffee and nibbled my muffin while everyone else around me chatted at the small round table. I noticed Millie peering at me while I stared out the window at the sunrise in the distance. I didn't want to look at her because every time I did I saw the pain in her eyes. "Don't worry about me." she mouthed to be but how couldn't I?

**MILLI POV:**

I didn't want my problems to become his. More people becoming involved would only make things worse. "I need some air." Gerard said as he got up from the table. "Me too." I said and got up to follow him. I wasn't going to let him leave my sight. "NO!" he voice was deep and commanding that I almost felt the whole place shake in fear but I didn't back down. I followed him as he left. He exited the parking lot and began speed walking down the main road. Out the corner of my eye I saw the guys watching us from the window. "Could you please slow down?" I practically shouted. He was walking too fast for my little legs to keep up. He finally gave up a stopped at a corner to face me. "Stop it! We shouldn't be here!" he shouted at me. He was on the brink of tears. "Why where are we?" I asked kind of confused. "No not here, here! In this situation." She exclaimed. "Oh… I don't understand. Just stand out of it and would wont have to be here." I explained.

"Its not that easy."

"How is it not easy. Just let me walk away and never look back."

"I cant!"

"WHY NOT?!"

"Cuz… I'm your father."


	7. Honey if you stay you'll be forgiven

"What?" I gasped. So many thoughts popped into my head. All I knew was that it was impossible for him to me my father. I know that my dad was my real father. But no that I think about it he might not be. Both of my parents had short brown hair yet I had long black hair. My dad (well the man I thought was my father) had gray eyes and my mother blue while I had hazel eyes. Joy swept through me. Gerard Way is my father! But wait… "You left." I accused. The joy quickly faded and reality struck me. If he was my real father tat means he left me… with _them!_

"I-I-Its not what you think!" He stuttered. "It was kind of an accident. She found out he was cheating on her so I was trying to be a good friend and comfort her. I went too far." He explained. "Then he came back, she forgave him, I was left to the side." I looked down at his feet. "I didn't even know about you until after that concert a few years back. When I took you home you're mother told me it all." He looked guilty. "So I'm just a mistake?" I asked curiously and angrily.

That's all I was. He didn't care about me. I was just a mistake never meant to happen if that cruel man I thought was my father hadn't cheated on my mom. Oh well she deserved it if she wasn't going to tell me that all these years I wasn't his. "That's not what I meant." he defended. "What ever." and I stormed off in the other direction.

"What Millie! Can we just talk?"

"Oh now you wanna talk?"

"Yes now that you know I wanna talk to you about it!"

"So how long were you gonna keep this a secret from me huh?"

"Until I thought you were ready to handle it but you van barely handle yourself right now!"

"That's not true!"

"Oh yeah cuz life is perfect for you right now."

That was is! I was walking away and never planning to come back. How could they do this to me? Everyone thought I could trust had turned on me. There was no one left. I was alone in this world. "I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone!" I began to sing out loud. "Honey if you stay you'll be forgiven." He sang along. "Your gonna need a place to stay. Why don't you stay with me for a while? I won't let you stay in that hell whole. No daughter of mine will stay in a mental institution. Mistake or not!" he shouted after me. I stopped but didn't look back. "Y-you want me to live with you?" I asked with tears in my eyes. "Yes." I ran over to him and gave him a big hug thanking him a million times for saving me. "Does the rest of the band know?" I ask not letting go of him. "Uhh…" he stammered. Why hadn't he told the rest the guys about me?

**GERARDS HOUSE:**

We arrived at his house around 1 pm. It wasn't that big but sure was impressive. The walls were decorated with framed art work that I guessed was his own. Cds and books were everywhere covering almost every table top available. By the looks of it we were into the same things. "This is gonna be your room though it's not that big." he said interrupting my thoughts. "Well it's bigger than my room at home." I said looking around at the dark blue walls covered with band posters. "You can use the kitchen whenever, wake up whenever, do whatever just don't go in my room." Before I had time to ask questions he exited my new room. I was feeling depressed. I needed hair dye and nail polish.

"Nice hair!" Frank said when he came into Gerard's house followed by Mikey, Ray, and Bob. I shook my head flailing my green and purple hair all around. (What?! I was in a creative mood!) "So I've heard the news." Mikey said. "Welcome home niece!" he shouted and gave me a big hug. "Thanks Mikey!" I smiled widely. Nothing was going to ruin my mood. Well that's what I thought. Then the door bell rang.

"Yay we're having a party!" Frank laughed. Gerard slowly walked over to the door, clearly not knowing who it might be. He opened the door but I couldn't see past him. "I want my daughter back." I woman's voice stated. It was my mother. "How do you know she's here?" Gerard questioned calmly. Tears silently fell down my cheeks. "The hospital said he father checked her out early this morning but that's impossible. He was with me." It was too late. She knew I was here and there was no escaping it. I would have to go back with them. I ran up to my room and Mikey followed.

**GERARD POV:**

I wouldn't let her take her away. Not after I just got her back for the first time. "I am her father." I said trying to seem calm when my emotions were a mess. "Not anymore." She said angrily. I wasn't going to let her take away Millie. "I surely care for her more than you." I said hoping she would buy into it and leave. "I'm not leaving until I have Millie. I'm going to get her the help she needs. Clearly you don't know how to take care of a child." Well technically she was right. I never had a child so I didn't know where to start. "I've been doing better than you so far. She's much happier now than she's ever been with you." I said and shut the door in her face. I had won the battle but the war was far from over.


	8. The world is ugly

I spent the rest of the day crying in my room. How could she come to take e away after I found the place I finally belonged? This only makes me hate her more than ever. And the horrid husband of hers… well ex-husband. He will never be my father. Two knocks at my door interrupted my thoughts. "Are you okay?" I heard Gerard ask though the door. I didn't answer because I didn't want him to hear the sadness in my voice when I said I was fine. I heard footsteps going back down the stairs. I was glad he wasn't one of those parents who pressure you into telling them everything.

When I woke up I looked at the clock on the little table and it said 11:33 am. I wasn't used to sleeping as late as I wanted. At my old home I had to be awake and doing chores by 9 am or I was grounded. I was enjoying my new life! I showered and put on my red skinny jeans and my favorite My Chemical Romance t shirt. (these guys really saved my life)

"Good morning!" I cheered when I saw Gerard sitting at a desk doodling on some paper. "If that's what you wanna call it." he laughed half serious but I ignored it. "I went to star bucks while you were asleep. I got you coffee." He held it out to me. I took a sip and said "You were up early." His eyes looked red and tired. "I never went to sleep!" he said. I started to worry. Had my mom scared him last night? This was too stressful for the both of us. I didn't want to make him rethink letting me stay with him. Maybe I should just leave. All these thoughts ran through my head.

"So what cha drawing?" I asked trying to distract us both. He held us the picture he was working on. I was a picture of me all my green and purple hair. "Aw well don't I look adorable!" I laughed. "What's that on the back?" I asked. I noticed there was so words scribbled on the back of the picture he had drew. "Oh its nothing." He said just ignoring it. I snatched the paper out of his had and read what it said out loud. "That the world is ugly, But you're beautiful to me. Are you thinking of me? Are you thinking of him? Wow that's really good."

"Thanks." he replied. Wow my new father was so talented in so many things. Just another thing I loved about him. "So, wanna do something today?" he asked.

"Sure, like what?"

"Well I had an extra ticket to a Misfits concert in town and I was wondering if you wanted to go."

"You have Misfits tickets?" I yelled. "That's awesome! They've been sold out for weeks! You're the best dad in the world!" I yelled as I hugged him. Life was finally getting better for me.

After the concert we all went back to Gerard's house. "I'm hungry!" I said more like a brat than I intended.

"Well what do you want?" Gee asked.

"Umm… Chicken nuggets!" I cheered.

"Ew how can you eat something that used to be living?" Frank complained.

"Stop making me feel guilty or you'll be used to be alive." Mikey, Bob, and Ray all laughed.


	9. if life aint just a joke

**LEO SAYS: ****HEY GUYS IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR MY STORY I WILL PROBBLY INCUDE THEM CUZ I NEED A BIT OF HELP. I'LL BE SURE TO MENTION YOUR NAMES IF I USE YOUR SUGGESTION!!**

My life was just getting perfect. I had awesome friends, (Mikey, Ray, Frank, and Bob.) an awesome dad, and a near perfect life. I was sitting on my bed in my dark room when my phone vibrated. I had a new text.

'**HEY! ****J****' **it said. It was Johnny. I sighed and sent an angry reply.

'**what do YOU want?'**

'**you…' **he quickly replied. YUCK!

'**leave me the fuck alone!'**

'**do I really have to leave?'**

'**what are you talking about?' **he was really starting to annoy me.

'**look out your window! ;P'**

"NO!" I whispered out loud to myself. I looked out the window and there he was, standing in Gerard's back yard. (Well I guess it was mine too… if he was willing to share!) "Go away! I never wanna see you again!" I shouted just loud enough for him to hear but quiet enough that no one else would. The guys were downstairs talking about new song ideas while they thought I was asleep.

"But I miss you. I wanna go back to before all this happened and make things right!" he said with that dorky smile and big brown eyes full of hope, though from all the way up here they looked more like black pools of emptiness.

"NO! You had your chance and you killed it! It's too late! And how did you find this place anyway?" I asked annoyed. Maybe I could convince Gerard to move somewhere they will never find us.

"Your mom told me. She thought maybe I could convince you to come to your senses and come home." he said with a bit of joy in his voice. He was really annoying me more than ever!

"Come to my senses? Come _home?_ This is the best decision I've made in my life. I _am _home!" I exclaimed apparently too loud. There was a knock at my door and a voice called though. "Millie are you okay? I thought I heard you talking to someone." I was Gerard. I shut my window, picked up a book from the shelf and pretended to read just as Gerard came in. "Just uh… reading!" I lied. "This book is really interesting!" said trying to sound calm. I hate lying to him.

"Uh-huh." he said not buying it at all. "So you like reading physics textbooks?" He asked and I knew he caught me in my terrible lie. "Speaking of physics, you should probably go to the local high school. Catch up on all the things you've been missing."

"WHAT? School? You can't send me there! They'll make fun of me. I won't have a single friend and if they find out you're my father who knows what will happen!" I shouted at him. He just left without saying a word. I really hated how he avoided me in these kind of situations. Now to handle the Johnny situation. I ran over to my window and he was gone. "Thank gowd!" I cheered.

**GERARD POV: **

"I'm getting really worried. What if this isn't the right thing for her." I said to the guys. I was feeling like a really crappy parent.

"Of course this is right for her. It's a lot better than her old life." Frank said.

"Yeah you'll figure things out. It'll be all good!" Mikey always supported me in my decisions but I wondered if I was making the right one.

"Hey who is that?" Bob asked looking out the glass doors leading to the back yard. There was a guy sneaking out over the white gate. The paint had long faded but I was too lazy to repaint it. "Hey you? What are you doing?" I yelled as we all ran to the back yard. Ray grabbed him just as he tried to get over the fence. "It's Johnny again!" Mikey yelled. He tried to escape but couldn't break Ray's grip. "I'm here to rescue Mille." He said still failing to get away. "I won't let you near my niece!" Frank yelled. I thought I was awesome of him to think of her as family and protect her as I would. "We won't let you touch her! She belongs with us!" Bob defended. Wow I had awesome friends.

"Let him go." I said. The guys looked at me with confusion. "He's just a kid. But if I ever see him near her again I'll call the police." Ray released him and he ran off into the night. I was too tired and stressed to do much about him now. I would handle it later I told myself. "I'm going to bed." I said tiredly and went back inside.

**One month later:**

**MILLE POV:**

I was having a weird dream where I was running but not going anywhere while a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich tried to eat me. "Wake up." the delicious monster shouted at me. "GET UP NOW!" it said again but this time is sounded more like Gerard. For once I was sad that it was him. I looked at my clock and it read 6:30 am. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I asked confused as he opened my dark curtains letting in the blinding sunlight. "its time for your first day of school." It sounded like there was a bit of sarcasm in his voice but his face was serious. "You've got to be kidding." I said as I got up from my bed. I took a quick hot shower and came out with stringy wet hair. I quickly blow dried is back to its normal messiness.

I put on my black Paramore t shirt, purple skinny jeans and red converse. I put in my purple cat eye contacts and lined my eyes with a thick layer of eyeliner. I grabbed a dark hoodie from my closet and shoved my headphones into my ears. Dead by My Chemical Romance began blasting in my head. (What a surprise!) "Okay I'm off to hell school!" I shouted as I grabbed a banana off the kitchen counter and headed for the door. "I'll give you a ride." Gerard offered.

"Oh thanks Gee! You'll personally make sure I make the trip to hell a good one!" I laughed.

"Don't worry babe, we all go to hell!" joked back!


	10. Im not okay

Sorry I haven't posted in like a week. Things have been crazy. BTW I got the "List" thing from the movie Mean Girls. READ ON!

I was sitting in the passenger seat of Gerard's car as he drove me to school. I had my head phones on blast so I didn't notice when he called my name. He tapped me on my shoulder and I practically jumped through the roof. "WHAT! Don't scare me like that!" I yelled turning off my Ipod. He just laughed at me. I looked out the window and gasped. "NO! Not here! This is where Johnny goes to school. How could you do this to me?"

"You have no other choice." he said with a straight face. I could tell he expected me to rebel but I didn't. I sighed and got out of the car without saying another word to him. This would be the beginning of the end of my new life. I walked up to my new school and tried to ignore all of the eyes that watched me. "Northside Hell School. Home of the flying Assholes." I mumbled to myself half hoping someone would hear.

When I got inside the building it was big and full of beautiful people making me feel shorting and uglier than usual. I tried not to act lost as I searched the endless halls for the main office. Finally when I reached a door that had the word office on the window I felt a little safer. Then my butt was greeted by the floor. "OW! What the fu…" When I looked up a tall sandy haired boy was staring down at me with a look of horror. His gray eyes peered at me in shock. "Are you retarded or something?" I asked trying to get up.

"Uh… no! Sorry. Um… You must be Amelia. The new girl. I was just looking for you." He stuttered all over the place. "I'm your mentor until you get used to this big place." He coughed out an embarrassed laugh.

"I don't need a fucking tour guide so why don't you go feed the homeless or something." I said as I dusted myself off trying so hard not so look into his compelling eyes. "Good morning Andy!" I heard a squeaky voice yell out from somewhere. A living version of Barbie appeared through the crowd and kissed the boy on the cheek. I felt a little broken inside for some reason I didn't understand. Was I jealous? IMPOSSIBLE!

"Melinda this is Amelia. She's new here. I was just going to show her around now." Oh perfect. This day would be wonderful. I didn't physically roll my eyes but I sure was thinking it. "EW did someone blow their nose in your hair?" She asked crinkling her nose in disgust.

"And did a homeless cat piss in yours?" I spat back at her referring to her blond hair. Her face twisted in shock.

"You're going on my _list!_ " she yelled and stormed off.

"Oh no! Not the list!" I shouted in my best Barbie voice. "What's the list?" I asked turning back to Andy who was scared frozen. "Well are you gonna speak or did you turn into Helen Keller?"

"The List is Melinda's book of burn." A tall girl said from behind me. She had long black hair with blue streaks. She was wearing black boots, a long black skirt, a Green Day t-shirt, and a Jack Skellington hoodie. "Book of Burn?" I asked confused but highly interested in what she had to say. "If you end up in the book you'll be tormented by the Preppy Party for the rest of your high school life." She said making her voice sound deep and creepy. "By the way I'm Connie." she said as she walked away.

"Once your one the list you never come off." Andy added. "So… I'll show you to your homeroom." He said trying to change the subject.

"So you're dating Barbie Bitch?" I asked trying to annoy him.

"Um no. But she thinks we are." He said looking depressed.

"Wow she's really that stupid?" It wasn't meant to be a question because I already knew she was that stupid.

"She's not stupid! Everyone thinks just cuz she's blond and captain for the cheer team and is failing math that…" he stopped realizing what he had just said. "You can't go around telling everyone. She will kill you. She's supposed to be Miss Perfect!" I stopped walking to lecture him.

"No, she's _not_ Miss Perfect and she will _never _be no matter how much whore-ish makeup she plasters onto that plastic face of hers. Plus no one would really believe me. I am just the new girl here." The bell rang. I looked around and we were alone in the hallway. "Shit!" He yelled and ran in the other direction to his homeroom. "'Kay bye!" I yelled and waved to his back.

I walked into a class room full of preps and chavs. This would be fun I said to myself silently. "Hey green hair! Sit here!" I looked up and found the familiar voice belonged to Connie. I stepped over book bags on the floor and around the many people that tried to trip me and made it to the back of the class relatively unharmed. "Hey Connie!" I greeted cheerfully sitting down in between her and a chubby boy with brown hair down to his eyes. I noticed he was wearing an A7X t-shirt. "So is it okay if I called you green hair or will you tell me your name?" She while peering at the people around us. I heard some people giggle and whisper about e but I ignored it.

"I'm Millie." I said running my fingers through my green and black hair.

"This is my step brother Jonas." She said pointing to the boy on my right. I was starting to think this whole Hell School think wouldn't be so bad. Until Melinda and her Preppy Party entered the room peering angrily at me. Johnny was right behind them.


	11. there's a dozon reasons in this gun

I put my hood on and lowered my head hoping he wouldn't see me. My plan didn't work. "Mill! I didn't know you come to school here now. And why are you sitting back here with the zombies?" I sighed and slowly looked up at him. Did he actually think I still wanted to be friends? "Come on up here with us!" he said while the plastic people glared angrily at me.

"I'd rather lick a hobo's feet!" His smile slipped away for a bit. He looked around the room confused for a second. Everyone's eyes were on us. He hated not being the king on the classroom.

"You really rather hang out with the zombies when you can be with _us!_" He put extra emphasis on the "us" as he spoke it. "Well?" He said clearly losing what little patience he had. Connie and Jonas quietly giggled while the rest of the class sat silently. "Weeeeeeell?" I said smiling.

"Fine! If you wanna catch the dork disease then go ahead. Don't forget I offered to save you!" He was turning bright red and his arms were flailing around. He stormed out of the class and a tall blonde haired girl followed him out.

"So you know him?" Connie asked with curiosity in her voice. "Yeah what was that all about?" Jonas wanted to know. Before I had time to answer a tall woman entered the room. She had ling brown hair tied up in a neat bun and she was dressed as if she was going on a business trip. "Amelia…?" She asked looking around the room.

"Way. My last name is Way." I said while standing up a little annoyed. It was my first day. What could I have possible done now.

"Way? As in Gerard Way? NO way!" Connie's voice was squeaky with excitement. Jonas's eyes lit up bright. "Uh I'll explain everything at lunch." I grabbed my things and walked out of the classroom with the lady.

"I'm Miss Cadburn. I'm the school counselor." Oh great a counsler. "Your parents are here. They want to talk with the principal about your… situation." My parents? I stopped in the hallway. Miss Cadburn stopped and looked back at me. "Are you okay?" She asked. I just wanted to yell. NO I'M NOT OKAY! I NO LONGER HAVE A MOTHER AND THAT BASTARD ISNT MY FATHER! But of course I tried to stay calm. I just nodded my head unable to speak. We continued walking to the principal's office.

The principal's office was pretty dark and scary looking. He sat behind a huge dark wood desk cover with papers and other "Busy-Items". He didn't look that old but he had gray hair and was going bald. My parents sat in two of the three chairs in from of the desk. My mother… I mean ex-mother's eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. The loser-never-was-dad was staring at me with a blank face.

"What the hell do you want with me?" I yelled at them. I wished I was with my _real _father. "You see what he's done to her. Teacher her to use such terrible language." The loser complained. His fat face was getting redder and redder by the second. I was trying tot hold back my tears. "He is a way better dad than you have ever been! I never loved you!" I yelled into he face.

"Please don't say those thing. We can fix this and you can come back home with us." My ex-mother said as tears poured down her face.

"We'll leave you alone for a while." The principal said as he lead Miss Cadburn out of the room. I watched them walk out just so I didn't have to meet my mom's eyes. When they were gone I knew there was no more ignoring them. "What makes you thing I wanna come back. I was my decision to leave and its my decision to come back. I never wanna go back there. I found a place where people care for me." Just as I was about to burst into tears the door opened and a bunch of people came rushing in. "Millie are you okay?" Frank asked. Mikey hugged me and I curled into his arms and cried.

"You have no right to try to take her away from me!" Gerard yelled at the loser.

"We'll let the court system decide." He said and threw a bunch of papers and my father. Daddy… And then they left. "Good-bye!" Ray said mockingly as they exited the room leaving me with my real family.

"Do we really have to go to court to decide who gets me?" I asked as Mikey loosened his tight grip on me. The 5 of them stared at me with sadness in their eyes which made me want to cry more. I really hated crying. "Yes." Gerard finally said before he left. I ran out after him but he was gone. "He's just stressed. Don't worry about a thing. It will all work out." Frank said.

"Hey where's Bob?" I asked curiously when my mind finally cleared. I hadn't noticed he wasn't around for the past week. "Um we'll explain when we get home." Mikey said. "We'll drive you home now." Ray said quietly guiding me out of the school.

"So Bob was… fired?" I asked even more confused than before. How can he not be in the band anymore? Everything was falling apart in front of me. I was blinking hard to keep the tears from falling.

"Don't worry. You can still see him. We're still friends. Some things just… didn't work out so well. Oh don't cry!" Frank said. I dint even notice I was crying until he told me. I wiped my face and my hand was wet. "I have to go!" I said and ran out the door and down the street. I dint even know where I was going.

I found myself hiding in a tunnel at a playground. I was getting dark and I heard rain gently hitting the top of the tunnel. A breeze blew through it and I shivered. I heard someone walking around on the fallen leaves. I started to wonder what time it was. Who would be out this late in the rain. I heard a weird noise so I crawled out of the tunnel to see what was going on.

There was a boy wearing a black hoodie and his black hair was flying everywhere cuz of the wind. He was spray painting on the tunnel. I just watched him. I was so fascinated for some unknown reason. Then he saw me. His gray eyes were shining through the dark right into mine.

"What are you doing here?" He shouted at me. I was too shocked to say anything. "If you don't go home you will get sick out here." I still couldn't say anything. I couldn't move. "Ugh fine come here." He offered me his hand to help me up. I looked at it confused for a minute. The annoyance on his face grew. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up. He had a strong grip.

"We're wet!" was all I could get out of my mouth. "No DUH!" he shouted at me. Then he started to walk away so I followed. He didn't look back once but I could tell he knew I was there. I wasn't paying attention to where we were going until I was blinded by a bright light. I blinked a few times. When my vision cleared I noticed we were in the starbucks a few blacks from home. He went behind the counter and took off his hoodie. He was wearing a starbucks uniform shirt.

"So you want anything?" I was still to dazed to actually say much. "You work here?" I asked mostly to myself.

"Obviously!" He said looking annoyed again.

"Okay." I said and sat at a clear table. I leaned my face against the cool window and stared into space.

"Uh we're closing now." the boy said waking me up. I fell asleep? "Are you retarded or something?" He asked. His face was so close to mine that I could smell his breath.

"NO!" I yelled. A little sly smile covered his face.

"I don't believe you!" He laughed.


	12. I'm so dirty babe

**GERARD POV:**

"A date? But you don't even know him!" I couldn't believe at a time like this she was thinking of boys. She must hate me or something.

"It's not like you know him either. Why are you being such a spazz? I thought you were cool." She stomped off to her room. I waited a few minutes then went up to her room to check on her. Just before I knocked Mikey put his hand on my shoulder. "Don't be so hard on yourself." He said before going into his room. He was right. I was punishing myself for every action my new found daughter had done. My hair was a mess, my eyes we red and puffy from lack of sleep; I haven't showered in a while either. I sighed before knocking on Millie's bedroom door. But then something stopped me. I heard music.

**Take away the sensation insideBitter sweet migraine in my headIts like a throbbing toothache of the mindI can't take this feeling anymoreDrain the pressure from the swelling,This sensation's overwhelming,Give me a long kiss goodnightand everything will be alrightTell me that I won't feel a thingSo give me NovacaineOut of body and out of mindKiss the demons out of my dreamsI get the funny feeling, that's alrightJimmy says its better than air,I'll tell you whatDrain the pressure from the swelling,This sensation's overwhelming,Give me a long kiss goodnightand everything will be alrightTell me that I won't feel a thing,So give me Novacaineoh novacaineDrain the pressure from the swelling,This sensation's overwhelmingGive me a long kiss goodnightand everything will be alrightTell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,So give me Novacaine**

When the song was over I opened the door a little and stuck my head in. Millie was sitting on her bed with her guitar in her hands. "You have an awesome singing voice." I sad softly. She looked up at me and I could tell that she was crying. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and jumped off the bed.

"Oh so mow you spy on me?" She asked accusingly.

"No I wasn't! I wanted to talk to you. I'm sorry for freaking out on you earlier. Things are hard right now." she didn't seem to be listening. She wouldn't even look at me. What have I done? "Well if you're not gonna talk to me then I'll just go to bed now." So I left. I decided a good night's sleep is what I needed.

Bright light blinded my sleepy eyes as Mikey threw open the think black curtains. "Get up. I would drive Millie to school for you but I have no clue where she is." I barely understood a word he said. I was still tired. I just rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head. Ten more minutes wouldn't hurt.

When I finally woke up again I stumbled to the bathroom for a long hot shower. After that I went straight for the kitchen for coffee. I expected Millie to be there waiting impatiently for me but she wasn't around. "Hey where's the booger-headed kid?" I asked Mikey. I wasn't in the mood for hide-and-seek.

"Maybe she went to school early." After a second we both burst out laughing. Like that was ever a possibility. "She's probably with that boy from last night. I think his name was Jordan." I said not really thinking straight. I needed coffee.

**MILLIE POV: (last night)**

I couldn't believe he was spying on me. He's turning into one of those over-protective p-bots. Just after things were getting good in life. I need to walk it off. I opened my closet to look for a hoodie. I threw the MCR one on to the floor and found my Green Day jacket in the back. I put it on a climbed out the window. The cool air felt relaxing. I wasn't sure where I was going but as long as it was far away from my new daddy it would be perfect. I walked down street by street then I heard a noise in the bushes. At first I ignored it but it got louder and louder. Then I was on the ground in seconds. A heavy weight pushed down on my bruised body. "Don't move. Don't make a sound." an angry voice said from on top of me. It was Johnny.

"Get the fuck off me. Have you lost your mind?" I yelled struggling to get loose. I was starting to panic. Before I knew it my clothes were being carelessly ripped off. I did the only thing I could do. I screamed and kicked and fought for myself since no one else was around to. All my fighting was a big waste of time and energy.

When he was done he grabbed my hair and pulled my off the ground. "See. Not that bad was it?" He whispered into my ear as he shoved me down the long empty street. I tried my hardest not to cry. If I give in to emotions now I always will.

"Is this how you always wanted it to be? If you would just be a good girl and listen to the people who love you then none of this would have happened."

"This is cuz you love me? I wonder what the people who hate me would do." I laughed and tried to think of a way out of this. "Ya know my dad will be wondering where I am. He's become more like the p-bots. Always wanting to know where I am. He'll come looking for me soon." Johnny just kept pulling me down the street. Everything started to look so familiar. "Johnny where are you taking me?" I started to get more and more scared. He laughed and evil laugh. Within a few minutes we were on the front lawn of my ex-parents' house. "NO, NO, NO, NO! Why would you take me here?! What are you doing?" He just ignored me and kept pushing me along as we got closer to the door to hell. Then in the silence I'm not okay started playing.

"Oh is that your phone?" he asked in a fake sweet voice. He pulled my phone out of my pocket and read the text I had just received. He read it aloud. "Hey M! Wanna hang out again tomorrow night. Jordan. Aw how cute. You have a boyfriend now. How about we just show him those scars of yours and watch him run." he laughed and evil laugh and replied to his message. "Meet me at starbucks tonight at 11." he said as he wrote the message.

"What are you doing? Get in here now and shut up!" my mom demanded and she appeared at the front door. Johnny dragged me into the house. It was dark but I could still see that things were mostly the same as before I left. "Honey we're only doing this to help you. We miss you. It's not safe with _him._"

"Not safe with him? He has done nothing but protect me while you people forced me to the edge of life. You sent this… thing to kidnap me and bring me back to hell! He fucking raped me!" I poured my heart out on them. When I was done ranting I ran for the door but my never-was-father was standing in the way. I wouldn't go down without a fight.

"No! NO you can't keep me here! Never, never ever!"

**JORDAN POV:**

Shit. I knew it was too good to be true. I thought I found someone awesome but here I am waiting for a girl that will never show up. I'd better just leave now before I disappoint myself anymore.

As I walked out the door some guy bumped into me. "Hey you're Gerard Way right? My Chem rocks!" Wow I couldn't believe who was standing in front of me. I noticed he wasn't actually paying attention. He was looking around me at the people in the shop.

"Hey have you seen a short girl with crazy green hair and looks as if she might bite someone's head off if you get on her bad side." He looked frantic and as if he hadn't slept in days.

"Uh yea I was supposed to meet her here an hour ago but she never showed."

"Are you Jordan?" He asked looking at me like I had something to do with her not being around.

"Uh yea." I said after a minute.

"Did you do something to my daughter? I knew I shouldn't have let her out of my sight! If this is you're fault I will kill you!" I raised my hands defensively read to push him away. Then I saw the hurt in his eyes.

"No. I'm sorry. Trust me if I knew where she was I would tell you. I really like her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her." he eased but a little but he looked like he might fall over in pain. I walked around him and left. I really hope she's okay.

**GERARD POV:**

I gotta call the police. "Uh my daughter is missing."


	13. So give me all your poison

**GERARD POV:**

"I still don't trust him." I said to Mikey as I paced back and forth in my living room. "He knows where she is! I know that he knows!" I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice when Frank and Ray came in.

"You think Jordan has something to do with Millie?" Ray asked as he sat next to Mikey on the couch. DUH! I wanted to yell at him. He was the last person she was with before she went missing. Who else would she be with. I never trusted him. I've seen him many times when he works late hours at Starbucks. He always looked as if he had something to hide from the world.

"I'm gonna find out what he big secret is!" I shouted as I grabbed my favorite Misfits hoodie. "I wont let him get away with this. He is up to something. Nothing is right about him!"

"Wait!" Frank shouted as he put his hand on my shoulder. I was about to rip off his arm for trying to stop me. "Let me come with you. I don't want you going alone." I didn't say a word. I shook my head and we left to start our mission.

"We'll call you if we hear anything!" Mikey yelled after us. We walked down the long dark streets and the father we went the more I was set on finding Amelia. I missed her so much I just wanted to cry. 'Crying will have to wait!' I silently told myself. I wiped my wet eyes with the back of my hand. Frank looked over at me. I hope he hadn't seen me crying.

"It will all be okay. She will be fine." he was trying to comfort me but it wasn't working. I was only making me angrier. What if something had happened? Something that could… end her life. I hadn't even noticed I was crying until Frank wiped the tears off of my cheek. I stopped and stared at him through the darkness. It was a cool night in September and the wind was blowing my hair slightly.

Frank opened his arms widely as if he was going to hug me. I fell into his my cried my eyes out. It wasn't something I wanted him to see but we were best friends since we were kids. It felt good to get out all my emotions and he was there for me. He always was. He always will be.

It felt like we were standing there forever but Frank didn't complain. He held on to me and promised he wouldn't let go until I was ready. I didn't think I would ever be ready to stand on my own. Forever is always shorter than people think. Soon we were silently walking down the street towards Jordan's house. I was ready to finish what I set out to do.

"That's his house!" I whispered when we reached it. We snuck around the back and peeked through the kitchen window. For a while nothing was going on. Jordan's mom was cooking while his father sat at the table reading a 3 day old newspaper. A few minutes later Jordan came in through the front door and sat next to his father at the table. His mother instantly stopped her cooking and glared at him from across the room.

"You're late." she scolded him.

"I was working late." He explained quietly.

"That's no excuse!" she yelled.

"What else am I supposed to do?" he asked desperately.

"Don't talk back to your mother!" his father joined in on arguing.

"But…" he began to say. "I'm going to my room now!" he shouted as he gave up and got up from the table.

"NO! you don't have a room anymore. I don't want you living here. I'm tired of you!" His mother yelled at him fiercely.

"What?!" His father slapped him across the face then dragged him out to the front door and threw him out onto the front lawn.

"Oh-mi-god! I don't believe we just saw that!" Frank said with tears in his eyes.

"It explains why he acts the way he does." I said feeling sorry for the terrible things I thought about him. "Come on!" I whispered to Frank was I hurried around to the front of the house. "Hey Jordan!" I called after him.

"Ugh! What do you want? Wait, did you see what just happened?" HE looked shocked, hurt, and scared at the same time. I felt so bad.

"Um, yeah I guess I did." I said guiltily.

"I'm sorry about that." frank said.

"Why are you sorry for me?" He was puzzled by this.

"Cuz I know what its like to be abused." Frank admitted. I hoped we would never have to talk about this again.

"Yeah right! You're Just saying that to get me on your side. What do you want from me?!?!" Jordan was getting really frustrated and annoyed.

**FRANK POV:**

I was hoping to never relive these terrible memories but I had no choice. I looked at Gerard as if I was getting approval to tell the story. He shook his head even though I never said a word.

"Ever since I was little I knew I was… different." I paused for a moment to think of how to tell the story. "My parents hated me for my difference. They tried to beat it out of me. Literally." Gerard nodded for me to keep going. "I got made fun of at school cuz of it. I wasn't allowed in my own house because of it. I had no friends. Except one. Gerard understood me. He liked me for who I was. He _liked_ me because of it." I stopped for a moment to let Jordan catch on to what I was saying.

"Are you…" he stopped before he said the word.

"Gay. Yes." I said proud to be who I was.

"And you?" He asked looking at Gerard.

"No I'm bi." he said smiling.

"I was gonna kill myself." I said breaking the bit of happiness I was feeling for a second. I lifted up my sleeves to show the scars completely covering my arms. "Gerard found me lying in an alley practically drowning in a pool of my own blood. I wanted him to leave for death but he would let me. He loved me too much to let me go."

Gerard grabbed my hand and held it tightly in his. I felt safe again. "He almost lost me and now he might lose Millie."

"I already said I didn't know where she was!" Jordan yelled at us.

"We aren't blaming you. We just want your help. Your were that last one with her before she went missing. Did she say she was going anywhere?" Gerard asked clearly about to cry again. Jordan was quiet as he thought back to the other night he spent with her. "Come on you have to remember something!" Gerard was getting desperate.

"Johnny. She said something about a boy named Johnny who was obsessed with her or something. Maybe he knows."

"I. Will. Kill. Him." Gerard growled.


	14. cant find my way home

**3 moths later**

**GERARD POV:**

_meet me at starbucks in 1 hr!_

I read the text message I received and couldn't believe it. It was from Millie's phone. "GUYS LOOK AT THIS!" I yelled as I run through the house trying to find everyone. "It's a text from Millie. She's okay!" I screamed and practically jump into franks arms. He helped me so much through the tough times. Especially the 3 months when Millie was missing. I was a wreck. I couldn't even get out of bed. I felt like shit every second of the day and somehow I couldn't get rid of the idea that I might have been responsible for her being gone. Even now when unbelievable happiness flowed through my veins I couldn't shake that nagging feeling.

"OMG! Millie's coming home!" Frank shouted and jumped up and down happily. He looked so adorable with his black hair flying all around his face. I ran my fingers through my mess tangled hair. I haven't washed it in weeks. I wondered if I should shower before I went to find my daughter once again after being taken away from me. Again. _But what if she wanted to leave?_ The thought crept into my mind and haunted me.

"You've been though some crazy shit Gee." Mikey said obviously seeing the fear in my eyes.

"Yea and its all gonna be over soon. We're here for you." Ray said hugging me tightly. I loved my friends so much.

"Uh, ima take a shower." and I ran for the bathroom. I turned on the hot water so hot the room was almost instantly filled with steam. I stripped to nothing then stepped into the water. Its heat surrounded me and relaxed my tense muscles. "It's all over. It's all over." I repeated to myself until I finally started to believe it.

When the water started getting cold that was my sign that my shower was over. I quickly got dressed and dried my stringy wet hair. My face still showed signs of stress. I felt relaxed but my mind was still swirling with questions that would have to wait to be answered. I just couldn't wait to have Millie back where she belongs.

Mikey and Ray walked ahead and me and frank held hands walking more slowly behind them. Everything about today seemed perfect. I couldn't help but smile as I savored the sweet December air. Christmas was two weeks away and Millie would be back to celebrate with us. Our little family would be whole again.

"I'm happy to have my Gerard back!" Frank cheered as we walked along slowly. I could see starbucks in the near distance and my excitement could hardly be contained. I missed Millie's bright green hair and sarcastic attitude towards everything and how we had so much in common. I don't know how she ever escaped me.

My joy started to fade when I didn't see Millie anywhere around. I was already broken so many times and I could take it anymore. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I read the text aloud to the rest could hear too. My voice was shaky. "Come to the bridge at the park. It's more… private." I ran to the park as the guys struggled to keep up with me. I was tired of all the waiting. I wanted Amelia back so bad I couldn't even control myself anymore.

I saw two people standing on the bridge and I slowed a little trying to clam down. There was a short girl with faded green and black hair. "MILLIE!" I shouted out. As I got closer I recognized the other person. It was Johnny. Anger filled my heart and my eyes watered uncontrollably. What was he doing anywhere near her?

"She more trouble than she's worth!" he growled and shoved her toward me. I hugger her tight as tears flowed down both of our cheeks. Ray, Frank, and Mikey joined us in a hug. Millie's face, arms, and legs were covered with scars, cuts, and bruises. I looked up but Johnny was gone. "Look at you." frank giggled. "You're wearing a dress!" Frank laughed.

"No duh! Frank you're a fucking genius!" Millie said. I loved hearing her voice. After I got over the initial joy of having my daughter back all the surroundings started to come back to me. The dress Millie was wearing was more like a t-shirt that was too big. Its old white cloth was turning tan with age. She looked so tired and worn out just as I had. But something about her was different.

"You seem different." Mikey said as if read my mind.

**MILLIE POV**

Different? Did they notice? I wasn't ready to let them know just yet. We were all so happy. "Hey don't make her feel bad! She's been through a lot." Ray said defending me. "Yea let's get her home now. I bet she wants to shower and change." Frank giggled again staring at my… dress?

A long shower was what I needed the most. Warmth surrounded me. I heard the band practicing down stairs and knew I was home. Home forever. The six of us the perfect family. Well the perfect family for me. Gerard, Mikey, Ray, Frank, me, and…

"Hurry up Millie we have a surprise for you!" Frank's voice flowed through the bathroom door. I turned off the water and stepped out. I quickly put on my blue skinny jeans, a black tank top and my huge MCR hoodie. Mikey and Ray pulled me out of my room before I would even finish putting on my thick eyeliner. I peeked into the hallway mirror only to see a completely different person than I remember. It wasn't me anymore.

"What are you doing? Come on!" Frank yelled from downstairs.

"Okay, okay I'm coming!" one more look in the mirror and for a second I thought I saw the old me again. Then I realize something… I needed more hair dye!

"OH-EM-GEE! Millie I'm so happy to see you!" I recognized that overly preppy voice. But how was it possible? Here?

"Jessica? What are you doing here?" she threw her arms around me and hugging me so tightly.

"I'm home for holiday. Did you really think I wouldn't visit you? You seem so different! I heard what happened. I hope your better now. Oh and I heard about the baby."

"What how do you know?" I whispered.

"What baby?" Gerard asked looking majorly confused.

"I have a friend who has a friend that knows a guy that knows the girl that used to date Johnny." Jess said with a smile in her eyes that quickly vanished. "Oh they don't know yet do they? Sorry!" Jess said guiltily.

"What is she talking about? Did something happen?" Gerard shouted grabbing me by my shoulders. I closed my eyes tightly and held my breath like I used to when I was a kind and I didn't get I what I wanted. _Time to tell the truth Ashley. _I thought to myself.

"Uh the night I went missing." I paused as everyone's glaring eyes dug holes through my body. "Johnny found me walking alone. It was dark. No one was around. He got what he wanted." I refused to say anymore.

"Oh my god! Did he… have you?" Frank gasped with his last breaths. All the color drained for Gerard's face. His black hair looked much darker. His hands were in fists and he ran out the front door.

"Daddy…" I whispered.

"I'd better go now." Jess said scared.

"It's okay now." Mikey comforted me as I cried into his shoulder.

"I'll go find Gerard." Frank said as he grabbed his jacket and left.

"We have lots to talk about." Ray said as he guided me towards the couch. So I told them everything. From the second Johnny ripped off my clothes to the time he found out about the baby and sent me home. He didn't want that kind of trouble as he called it. "Ashley isn't trouble. She's mine forever." I sighed. Yes I named her already.

"But what is it's a boy?" Mikey asked curiously.

"Then its Andy. Andy Way." I smiled and for a second everything was perfect. "I'm not made a Johnny." everything went serious again as I spoke. "I'm not happy again what he did but I'm happy for what he gave me. Life was just a game to me before. Now it's more of a puzzle." I looked at the clock. It was 11:34 pm. We had been sitting here for hours.

Gerard came bursting through the door. He was covered in blood and he face was frozen with anger. Frank was right behind him with a blank yet fearful look filling his eyes. They were both soaked so it must have been raining. Frank was shivering from the cold. I ran to him and hugged him closely. Mikey and Ray ran to Gerard's sides and threw a million questions at him. He didn't answer them. He didn't say a word.

"Frank? What's going on?"


	15. If you look in the mirror and don't like

**GERARD POV **

I was getting tired of all these stupid questions. I just got Millie back after she was raped and abused for months. I find out she's pregnant and I was standing in front of them covered in blood. What do they think happened? Well I wasn't having tea. I ran up to my room. I felt them trailing behind me. "I handled it okay! Just leave me the fuck alone!" I slammed the door in their faces. The darkness welcomed me and hugged me. I ran for my desk and tossed everything off of it. I rummaged through the shelves desperately searching for any kind of sharp object. I found and old rusted blade sitting under a physics book. Why did I have a physics book?

I ripped of my clothes till I was down to my underwear. I found a spot on my chest check of old scars and let the blade naturally tear through my raw flesh. The physical pain drowned out all of the emotional pain. My senses went numb. I sliced my arms and legs and any available skin. I eventually passed out due to all the blood loss. I was sleeping in my own blood, sweat, and tears. Literally.

I light tap at my bedroom door broke me from the deathly haze. My head was pounding. I felt so dizzy as I tried to stand. My body was sticky from the dried blood and the cuts were stinging from all the sweat. "Gee, you okay?" Millie's sweet voice called to for me. She sounded worried. I was instantly drawn to her. To comfort her. I stumbled to the door and cracked it open. The sunlight shining through the house burned my eyes. Her hair was purple. I couldn't take my eyes off of it for some reason.

"Ya like?" She asked shaking her head all around.

"You look like Barnie!" It hurt all over to laugh. "How long was I asleep?"

"Uh I don't know. Like 15 hours I guess. I tried to check on you but you freaked when I tried to come in." She lowered her head in guilt. I didn't remember that. What else did I forget?

"Oh. Sorry… you look… different." I said not really sure what I was going for.

"It it the hair or the person in my body. Anyway you look like shit. If the guys see all the blood you'll kill you." she looked impervious to my cuts and scars. Like it didn't matter. Then I remembered her past. Self infliction is what she was used to. Frank hated it the most when I cut. "Frank?" It came out as barely a whisper.

"He told me what you guys did. Johnny has 3 broken ribs, broken arm and leg, fractured skull, and a bruised penis." I smile flashed on her face. "Kidding about the last part." She reached out and hugged me. She felt warm and loving. "I'm happy you wanted to defend me."

"Ow!" I cried out in pain. I was hurting all over.

"Let's get you cleaned up. Here." She handed me a pile of clothes and pushed me towards the shower. "Get a shower you smell. Then I'll take care of those cuts for you."

"What are you my mother?" I laughed. Finally things were going back to normal.

"We all to hell!" She laughed back.

I let my mind go blank as I was in the shower. For once worried about absolutely nothing was an excellent feeling. I got dressed and snuck into Millie's room. "Sit!" she demanded as she pointed to a chair stationed in front for her full body mirror.

"It's freezing in here!" I started to shiver.

"Well duh! Its winter and I turned down the heat."

"But why?"

"Don't question the doctor. Now take off your shirt."

"Uh doctor I don't feel comfortable stripping for you." I laughed.

"Ugh just do it!" She commanded. Off went my shirt. "Now this will hurt!"

"What…OW! What the fuck is that?" She poured more of the liquid onto a cloth and fiercely scrubbed at my wounds.

"Its salt water. It will clean the cuts of any infection ad help them heal faster." She sounded so intelligent when she said it. I sighed and tried to sit as still as possible. Obviously she wasn't letting up.

"All done!" She said 5 minutes later. I examined myself in the mirror. The skin around my cuts was glowing red. I mumbled thanks and pulled my shirt over my head. I grabbed my hoodie from my room and headed down stairs to make coffee. "Merry Christmas Gee!" Frank yelled and held out a box wrapped in colorful paper. How long was I really sleeping? Everyone was smiling at me like nothing had ever happened. I sat on the couch and frank tossed the box into my hands I sat staring at it not too sure If I really wanted to open it or not. "I'm sorry guys…" I began to say.

"No don't be sorry." Mikey said as he sat down next to me. "We should be sorry." I was wondering why they should be for until Ray was poking at me to open my gift. I slowly peeled away and the paper. Everyone stood over me happily. I felt so uncomfortable. Millie was giggling from the top of the stairs looking down on it. It was a folded up t-shirt. "Hey it's black!" I yelled.

"Read what it says!" Millie shouted annoyed. In plain white lettering it said "world's greatest grandfather!"

"Oh thanks guys." I said sarcastically.

"Don't be embarrassed Gee. I got Mikey one too!" Millie laughed. Mikey's face turned red.

**3 MONTHS LATER**

**MILLIE POV**

"Get up!" Sunlight flooded my room and I was blinded.

"What are you doing?" I could barely make out the blurring image of Ray standing in my room.

"Get dressed! Its time to go! I'll take your things to the car." Oh yea it was moving day! Gerard decided that since your family was getting better we should move into a bigger place. We were moving from New York to Canada. Yup. My favoritest place in the whole world! I quick showered, got dressed, and grabbed my things.

"Off to see the mooses!" I yelled as me piled into the car. The driver of the moving truck slowly followed behind.

"That isn't the plural of moose. It's moosi." Mikey yelled from the passenger seat.

"Fuck off, it's meese." Gerard shouted as he drove the dark down the long empty road.

"Oh whatever! I just wanna see em!"

"We aren't moving to the part with all the moose," Gerard began to say. I stick out my lower lip and use my puppy eyes. Speaking of puppy, Demi was sleeping in my lap snoring away. Demi was the puppy Gerard got me for Christmas. She's an English Bulldog.

"Okay, Okay I'll take you to the moose!" Gerard said breaking under the pressure. HA! I was getting tired to I decided to sleep while in the car.

"We're home!" Frank shouted instantly waking me up. It was dark as we pulled into the driveway of a huge white house. Glass windows shimmering in the moonlight. The shadowed woods in the distance seemed to make the house glow even more. To the far right was a lake and a small boat house. Excitement flowed through my veins.

"I call the room with the balcony!" I yelled as I ran up to the house with Demi stumbling at my feet. I paused when I entered the house. Everything looked perfect. The furniture was already in place. I sat on the couch in my new living room and looked around. When the guys came in to examine the place I ran up the stairs to check out the other rooms. I peeked into bedrooms and bathrooms until I came across the music room. It looked like a dance studio. Wood floor, mirrors covering the walls. There were instruments everywhere. Guitars, basses, drums, mics, and amps. It was like heaven.


	16. They say you've been pleading

We all crowded onto the couch in front of the big screen TV in the media room. We were watching old black and white horror films. Werewolves, vampires, zombies; the good stuff. A knock at the door made frank squeal in fear. "Oh don't be such a baby!" I complained as he clung to Gee's arm for safety.

"Well who would be at our door at 3AM?" He argued.

"I think I know!" Gerard smiled slyly. "Go!" he nudged me toward the front door. I unwillingly dragged my tied body off the couch and shuffled to the door. When I realized who saw waiting at the door I felt all the blood rush from my body. Did Gerard know he would be here? "Uh hey Jordan." I said awkwardly. He was covered with bruises, scars, and cuts. I felt sickened.

"Uh hi. You're… you look… how are you?" the way he stammered around searching for the right thing to say made him seem so cute and innocent. It made me fill up with rage at his damaged appearance.

"I'm… good I guess. You look terrible! What happened.?" I wasn't as sensitive to his feelings as he saw for mine. I couldn't help it. It's how I always was. Taking the emotion out of my life to make things easier for me. Hmm my life is pretty complicated. Plan fail.

"My parents find humor in abusing me I guess." he choked out an awkward humorless laugh. Rage took hole of my already broken heart again. I didn't know him for long but in that short time I did, I think I fell in love with him. I adored the way his black hair fell perfectly over his lined, sparkling gray eyes. They looked right into my heart and pulled me in.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I know what it's like to have shitty parents." I rubbed the scars on my arms as I though of the hell they put me through. "how did you find me here anyway?"

"I told him to come." Frank said from behind me. I didn't even notice him standing there. He's like a mini ninja. "You weren't there that night. I saw it. I couldn't let him live like that. So he will live with us now." Frank smiled his big Frank smile and hugged me and Jordan.

"Where will he sleep until the other rooms are finished construction?" I asked kind of killing the whole happy mood going on.

"He can sleep on the couch in you're room. I'm trusting you to be good children during the night." Frank said as he pointed to my little Ashley still waiting to be born.

"He means no sex." Gerard shouted. I felt my cheeks burn red just as Jordan's did. "So wanna come in and finish horror movie night with us?"

"Yeah we're watching Zombieland!" Mikey shouted with excitement.

"Sounds… interesting." We all crowded onto the couch. Mikey on the far left. Ray right next to him. Frank practically sitting in Gerard's lap and was curled up warm and cozy next to Jordan who seemed to be enjoying my company.

After hours of blood, guts, and screaming we watched every horror movie in my massive collection. Even though it was 5am the boys all went to bed. My head was swirling with emotions. I just couldn't even think of sleep. "Wanna watch the sunrise?" Jordan offered.

"I know the perfect spot!" I grabbed hi warm hand and led him up the winding stair case and down the log hallways to my room. I dragged him across the huge room and pulled back the curtains to reveal two glass doors leading to the balcony. We had the whole view of the lake, the tree line in the distance and the sun rising behind them.

"This is amazing."

"Yeah I know!" I lead him to the little couch sitting outside. It was made for one but we shared it just fine. I just wanted to melt into him and live that way forever. It all felt right. Unlike with Johnny when I felt pressured into being with him. Talking with him was a struggle. Keeping secrets and pretending everything was alright. With Jordan it was so easy. No secrets. Everything was okay. No more pretending. We watched the sun rise in silence. Not an awkward silence but a peaceful silence. Like the whole world was at rest.

"Maybe you should get some sleep." Jordan said shocking me out of my own mind. Was I sleeping in his perfect arms?

"Can I sleep here?" I mumbled. I wasn't in control of my own mouth.

"Don't you wish. Sleep in your bed." He lifted me up and carried me to me huge comfortable bed.

"You're so strong." At this point my mind was completely disconnected from my mouth. I felt him curl around me as I drifted off to dreamland.

"Dream about me." Was the last thing I heard before I was completely consumed by sleep. They best sleep I've had in my whole life.

Morning came too fast. Actually it was more like late afternoon. Jordan wasn't holding me anymore and the air felt cold around me. I felt lost. I grabbed the first clean t-shirt from my closet and a new pair of jeans. I got dressed faster than I ever thought possible. I quick brushed my hair and covered my face in makeup. I didn't even bother tying my shoes. I rushed down stairs hoping last night wasn't a dream and Jordan would be there waiting for me. "Coffee?" he handed me a mug of steaming coffee and hugged me as I took a sip. His touch set me on fire more than the coffee did. "The guys had to set up for their show tonight. I said I would wait for you to wake up then drive you there." I looked around at the empty house and didn't even realize we were all alone.

"No! I mean I've seen them play so many times before. I thought we could just… catch up on things." walked over to the couch and pulled me onto his lap.

"What do you wanna catch up on?" he whispered into my ear.

"Everything." I whispered back. What was everything? My thoughts disappeared as his lips found mine. My body wanted more. My fingers twisted into his hair. His hands examining my entire being. I wanted him more than anything but it felt so wrong. "Stop!"

I didn't know why I even said that. I surely didn't want to stop. "This isn't right." I was getting really pissed that I had no part in what my mouth said.

"Why? I thought this is what you wanted."

"It is. Buy I'm having another guy's baby. Its just weird." I looked down at my soon to be little angle causing a physical and emotion barrier between me and Jordan.

"We have the rest of time to sort things out." he whispered to me and softly kissed my cheek. I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore.


	17. And you can cry all you want to, I don't

We just stayed there like that. We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours. Not talking, not touching, and barely breathing. My phone started ringing. Teenagers was the ringtone for when Gee calls. I pulled my iphone out of my pocket and stared at it for a while before answering. "Hello?" I said it more like a question as if I didn't know who was calling.

"Where the fuck are you? We go on in it five minutes. You we're supposed to be here!" He was yelling at me and I wasn't in the mood for it.

"Just put the phone next to the stage and I'll listen from here." I suggested. I really wasn't in the mood for trying.

"Fine then. Just don't hang up." I put the phone on speaker and set it on the table. Within minutes, my favorite song was playing from it. I started singing along to the words as Jordan hummed the tune in my ear.

**Hear the sound The angels come screaming Down your voice I hear you've been bleeding Make your choice They say you've been pleadingSomeone save us **

**Heaven help us now Come crashing down We'll hear the sound As you're falling down **

**I'm at this old hotelBut can't tell if I've been breathing or sleeping Or screaming or waiting for the man to call And maybe all of the above Cause mostly I've been sprawled on these cathedral steps While spitting out the blood and screaming "Someone save us!"Heaven help us now Come crashing down We'll hear the sound As you're falling down And will you pray for me?Or make a saint of me?And will you lay for me?Or make a saint of?**

**Cause I'll give you all the nails you need Cover me in gasoline Wipe away those tears of blood again And the punchline to the joke is askingSomeone save us Heaven help us now Come crashing down We'll hear the sound As you fallAnd would you pray for me?(You don't know a thing about my sinsHow the misery begins)Or make a saint of me?(You don't knowSo I'm burning, I'm burning)And will you lay for me?(You don't know a thing about my sinsHow the misery begins)Or make a saint?(You don't knowCause I'm burning, I'm burning)Cause I'll give you all the nails you need (I'm burning, I'm burning again)Cover me in gasoline again**

"I love that song." He said when I finally ended. I opened my eyes and found ourselves in the middle of the room desperately clinging to each other, dancing around the room. "You have an awesome singing voice." He was smiling at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Now we're gonna play teenagers f or the two teenagers back at home sitting on my couch. My daughter and her now BOYFRIEND!" Gee's voice rang through the phone. I felt my face get red hot. Jordan laughed a little. The song started playing and we were head banging and screaming along to the lyrics. We were having so much fun in our own mini concert. After playing Mama, Famous Last Words, and This is How I Disappear, they started playing I Don't Love You.

The words seemed to swirl around us. We are dancing together again. Slower, calmer, with more emotion. Our bodies were so close we felt as one. I wanted him. I needed him. Even when the music stopped, we kept on dancing. He hummed a short tune to me as we swayed. It seemed so familiar. It filled my mind. Not letting me thing about anything else. I needed to know the sound. Then I realized what it was. I pulled away from Jordan and run up to my room. I climbed under the blankets on my bed and cried my eyes out. I heard Jordan run up the stairs and enter my room. He sat on the bed next to me but didn't say a word.

"That's the song my mother used to sing to me when I was a baby." I choked out. The tears made it impossible for me to see anything. I could barely hear over my sobs.

"I know." He replied calmly.

"How could you possible know?" I asked still really confused by everything that's been going on.

"Cuz my mom is you're step-dad's sister. We used to play together as kids." How come I never knew this? How come I never remembered?

"You were sick." it was as if he could read my mind. "The medicine made you lose a lot of memory."

"Sick?" I had just stopped crying but I felt more tears coming.

"You had cancer. You're better now. I promise."

"Cancer?" Tears silently steamed down my cheeks. I came out from under the blanket and curled up in Jordan arms. I hugged him so tight that I thought he would break. I suddenly felt so tired. The sun was just starting to set so I closed my eyes. Jordan started humming to me again. It instantly put me to sleep.

**JORDAN POV**

I was scared of losing her. As soon as I thought I had to close, I screwed up and pushed her away. It's so hard to understand what's going though her mind. When we were kids it was so easy, but that's when she was sick. When she's sick, it makes her easy to handle. I don't want her sick again but I want her with me. I need her. How can Johnny be thousands of miles away but still be keeping me from Millie?


	18. Away with the boys in the band

_MILLIE POV_

_**I was really beginning to enjoy my new life. The band was working on a new totally awesome album. Things were getting easier between me and Jordan. We started going out a few weeks ago. My little angel would be arriving soon and I was so excited. Yup, it was twins. I totally couldn't believe it but I was excited. I decided to name them Haven and Morguean. *pronounced like Morgan* I could only imagine what they would look like. Long dark hair, green mysterious eyes, so perfect. **_

_**The smell of coffee seeped through the walls and found me buried under my pile of blankets. The clock said 6:13 am. I wasn't yet ready to get up so I drifted back to sleep. "Wake up I have a surprise for you!" Jordan was sitting on the edge of my bed holding a cup of coffee towards me. I reached out my tired hands and took a sip from the cup. I rested my head on Jordan's chest. "Thanks." He got up from the bed and I fell over grasping the blankets where he was once sitting.**_

"_**That's not the surprise. We're going to school." He smiled down at me as he slipped out of my room. "SCHOOL?!" But why? I just couldn't figure it out. Why did I have to go to school? It was pointless. It's not like I was going to learn anything useful. I always got good grades but only to make my parents happy. When was I gonna get to do something that made me happy?**_

_**I was sitting in the passenger's seat of Gerard's car pouting and just begging for him to take me home. "It wont be that bad." Jordan whispered to me. He was sitting behind me in the car. "Yes it will be that bad." I complained back to him. I didn't want to go to school. "How do you know that?" **_

"_**LOOK AT ME! Black skinny jeans, old sneakers that I drew all over, thousands of wristbands, a black slipknot shirt, a shitload of eyeliner AND I'm pregnant. People are gonna think I'm some kinda of emo whore!" No one spoke for a while after that. I hated the awkward silence that floated in the thick air.**_

"_**Why don't you stop trying to fit in and just be yourself? Don't give a shit about what the prissy bitches got to say about you. You're my daughter and you're fucking awesome. Who else in that school has purple hair?" **_

_**I dedicate this songTo the boys who don't belongTo the girls who get it wrongI'm dedicating thisTo the ones that don't existAre you hearing this?Are you hearing this?**_

_**Unwanted, unneededYou've always been mistreatedHang on!(Don't do what they say to)UnwantedAnd been for so longSay, "Hey, Mom!I'm never going home again!"**_

_**I dedicate this songTo my boys who are strongThey just don't go alongI'm dedicating thisTo the girls who don't existfrom the orphanageOh, now hear this!Unwanted, unneededWe've always been frustratedHang on!(Don't do what they say to do)Unwanted and been foreverSay, "Hey, Mom!We're never going home again!"I dedicate this songTo the ones who don't belongUnwanted (Wanted Wanted Wanted)Unwanted(Wanted Wanted Wanted)Unwanted(Wanted)Unneeded(Unneeded)Unwanted(Wanted Wanted)Hang on!We're never going home again!**_

_Somehow, Jordan bribed the secretary into changes his schedule so we have all the same classes together. We held hands and walked the halls as people gave us weird looks or shouted names or threw trash at us. We didn't care one bit. It was lunch and we were finding a place to sit. "He purple girl and man-friend!" someone called out to us. I couldn't help but look to see so said it. The was a tall boy who looked strangely a lot like Jordan waking to us. Happily, I grabbed Jordan's arm and lead him over to the table. There was tow girls and one other guy sitting there. "My name's Edwin," said the Jordan look-alike. "this is Lenny," he pointed to the first girl. She had long layered hair. Each layer was a different color. "that's Cam," he pointed to the guy sitting next to her. He was wearing the same Slipknot shirt as me. I instantly smiled at him and he smiled back. He also had a broke wrist. "and that's Rosie." he pointed to the girl with reddish hair who was too busy texting to notice us. "I'm Millie and this is Jordan." We sat down at the table with the others. I was so happy to find some friends on my first day here. "So have you run into the Queen Bee yet?" Rosie asked. She didn't seem too happy to have us around. "Who?"_

"_The Queen Bee. The queen of bitches. She practically runs the school and looks and acts like a mega Barbie come to life." Lenny said. _

"_Nope but we'll be sure to avoid her royal plastic-ness." Jordan laughed. Rosie laughed from behind he phone. _

"_Uh guys we still need a new guitar to replace me." Cam held up his broken wrist. "our first show is in a week. I'll never be able to play then." _

"_You're in a band?" I asked Edwin. _

"_Yeeees." He extended the word as if I was stupid. _

"_I could fill in for Cam if you want." Rosie just laughed._

"_Shhh. You play?" Edwin asked as if he didn't believe me._

"_Yeeees." I imitated him. _

"_So you think you're good enough?" Lenny asked. I couldn't figure out why no one believed me. I looked up at Jordan who was clearly in his own little world. "Come to my house after school. I prove to you." Jordan's eyes practically popped out of his head._

"_Is it a good idea to let people at our house? We don't exactly have a… normal family." he whispered into my ear. "But we have to… please!" I used the sweetest voice I could find and hoped for the best. He just rolled his eyes and looked away. "So my house after school?" _

_At the end of the day, I lead my new friends through the parking lot to Gerard's car waiting near the exit. "These are my new friends!" I shouted as we all piled into the car. We didn't have much room so we were all crowded and I sat on Jordan's lap. The ride home was loud and full of laughter and music. My first day of school was a success! _

_We arrived home and I lead them up to my favorite room in the whole house. The music room. Well it used to be a dance studio but we made it into a personal recording studio. I picked up my favorite guitar from in the corner. I instantly started playing Holiday by Green day as Jordan sang along for me._

_**Say, hey!Hear the sound of the falling rainComing down like an Armageddon flameThe shame, the ones who died without a nameHear the dogs howling out of keyTo a hymn called "Faith and Misery"And bleed, the company lost the war todayI beg to dream and differ from the hollow liesThis is the dawning of the rest of our livesOn HolidayHear the drum pounding out of timeAnother protester has crossed the lineTo find the money's on the other sideCan I get another Amen?There's a flag wrapped around a score of menA gag, a plastic bag on a monumentI beg to dream and differ from the hollow liesThis is the dawning of the rest of our livesOn holidayThe representative from California has the floorZieg Heil to the president gasmanBombs away is your punishmentPulverize the Eiffel towersWho criticize your governmentBang, bang goes the broken glassKill all the fags that don't agreeTrials by fire, setting fireIs not a way that's meant for meJust cause, just cause, because we're outlaws, yeahI beg to dream and differ from the hollow liesThis is the dawning of the rest of our livesI beg to dream and differ from the hollow liesThis is the dawning of the rest of our livesThis is our lives on holiday**_

"_Okay, for a second lets pretend we actually liked that." Edwin said to everyone one else. "Would you let her in the band?"_

"_No." Rosie's words made my heart drop. "Cuz we didn't like it. No pretending." Did she know how much se hurt me to say these things? "We loved it. So she's already in the band." I relaxed so relived and I left air enter my lungs again. I was in love with my new life!_


	19. Cancer

**GERARD POV:**

I was sitting in the front row watching Millie and her band play right in front of me. It was their first show and they were epic. The crowd was screaming and jumping around. I was head banging along with several others next to me. The night was going well. I caught a glimpse on Millie from the corner of my eye and she almost seemed in pain. When the song ended she grabbed the mic. "Our last song of the night is called bleed me words. Its dedicated to my amazing father Gerard Way." I could feel my face burning red.

**You can't bleed you way**

**Out of this situation**

**You built the blocks **

**And we tore them down**

**You can't find the love**

**In this world of hate**

**You can't back down **

**You gotta fight this war**

**Will you bleed my words**

**Let the enemy become part of me**

**And it will be okay**

**Do you know what I know**

**Let the hurt begin, steal all your sins**

**And it will be okay**

**You won't find your way**

**If you don't hide your weaknesses**

**The pain won't go away**

**By itself all you need is…**

**It's a cancer of your heart and mind**

**Can you hear me now**

**I'm you guiding voice back home**

**Will you bleed my words**

**Let the enemy become part of me**

**And it will be okay**

**Do you know what I know**

**Let the hurt begin, steal all your sins**

**And it will be okay**

**What ever happened**

**To make you hate us**

**Let's tear it down**

**I'll sit and wait**

**When you come around**

**You will pick your fate**

**But I won't be the one you wanted to see**

**Will you bleed my words**

**Let the enemy become part of me**

**And it will be okay**

**Do you know what I know**

**Let the hurt begin, steal all your sins**

**And it will be okay**

**Will you bleed my words**

**Let the enemy become part of me**

**And it will be okay**

**Do you know what I know**

**Let the hurt begin, steal all your sins**

**And it will be okay**

After the song ended Millie ran off stage. I looked around at the people around me and I was the only one who seemed to notice. I fought my way through the crowd and got backstage to find her. Five minutes later I still didn't find her. "Have you seen Millie?" Jordan asked. He looked really worried. I shook my head then we heard a soft moaning noise coming from the girls bathroom.

Lenny came rushing out of the bathroom yelling "Why are you guys just standing here? If you don't get this girl to a hospital now she'll have her child in this bathroom." I felt my face getting red again. Me and Jordan ran into the bathroom and found Millie sitting on the floor in the corner. Carefully we picker her up and quickly carried her to my small car. We put her lying down in the back of the car and we got in. "You guys take my car and meet us at the hospital." Jordon shouted to Lenny and tossed her his keys as we drove off.

The hospital was half an hour away but with my driving we got there in 15 minutes. We rushed Millie into the emergency section on the hospital. They quickly put her into a wheelchair. Before they took her away she grabbed my hand. "Please don't leave me?" it came out as a question. I looked into her huge gray eyes. Her purple hair was covering most of her face. She needed me. "OK." I followed them into a room and I was overcome by fear as doctors and nurses surround her.

"Are you okay?" a nurse out her hand on my shoulder. "Uh, yea. That's my daughter." I didn't look at her as a answered. I stared off into the distance. Not really seeing anything at all. "She's a little young to have a child don't you think?" I was torn from my haze when she said that. It made me even more angry. I always had a weird feeling about hospitals and doctors. "Don't judge her… its not her fault… its not her fault." my voice fell to a whisper. I felt warm tear steaming down my cold pale cheeks.

**JORDAN POV:**

I was sitting in the waiting room. More like about to kill myself in the waiting room. I was so scared for Millie. The rest of the band came rushing into the quiet room and ran over to me. "Here's some coffee. You look like you need it!" Rosie handed me a cup from starbucks. I took a long sip of the black coffee. At the moment it tasted like heaven.

"So who is she?" Cam asked.

"Yea we got here as fast as possible." Edwin commented.

"Well we stopped a few times. Coffee and stuff. Look I got play-doh!" Cam pulled out a container filled with purple play-doh.

"Will you guys shut up and let him talk!" Lenny punched the guys in the arm.

"I don't know anything right now. Gee is with her though. I hope everything is going well."

"Well lets go see her? What room?" Edwin headed towards the into desk. Rosie grabbed him arm before he had the chance to ask the woman behind the desk.

"No. She's kinda… busy now. "

"No she's not. She's just sitting at her desk."

"I meant Millie you moron! Ugh!"

Everything seemed to be spinning. I needed to relax and get my mind off of things. I took out my Ipod and blasted the music as my friends argued around me.

**The story of my life I can't quite 't tell me if you know how it everywhere you go feels like a mirror maze,And you're not sure how you're stuck in this place...And you got nowhere else to goAnd you're lost within your own home,And you're trying so hard to win,You keep trying, it's how you don't even know,But you know you're off the tracks...And how did you get in here?Thinking how did I get in here?I'll help you break the walls down.I'll help you break the walls down...Bust you out, and take you home,Believe you me you are not alone,I'll help you break the walls anybody know where February went?I was hoping that by not it would be the end of this:When you open up a book and read a thousand lines,But you don't really read you just move your you got nowhere else to goAnd you're lost within your own home,And you're trying so hard to win,You keep trying, it's how you don't even know,But you know you're off the tracks...And how did you get in here?Thinking how did I get in here?I'll help you break the walls down.I'll help you break the walls down...Bust you out, and take you home,Believe you me you are not alone,I'll help you break the walls I know this is randomBut just this morning I sawthe sun reflecting off the lawn and window,Oh I don't know why but I thought you should you got nowhere else to goAnd you're lost within your own home,And you're trying so hard to win,You keep trying, it's how you don't even know,But you know you're off the tracks...And how did you get in here?Thinking how did I get in here?I'll help you break the walls down.I'll help you break the walls down...Bust you out, and take you home,Believe you me you are not alone,I'll help you break the walls all the weight,You carry,Will disappear,And I will willingly,Embrace you so,You lay your come on home,Come on home,Come on home,Yeah, , yeah. **

"Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!" Lenny was shaking me awake and it was getting annoying. The bright lights of the hospital was hurting my eyes. Lenny was smiling at me which was weird. She never does that to anyone. "Come on! Don't you wanna see?" She grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my chair. I wasn't sure what was going on. I took a sip of my coffee but it was cold.

"See what? What time is it?"

"Its morning. We didn't wanna wake you last night so we let you sleep. You should see the twins. They are so adorable." Lenny went on babbling as she dragged me down a long hallway, made a left and pushed me into a large room. Everyone was there. Gerard, Ray, Frank, Mikey, Cam. Rosie, and Edwin. When they saw me Everyone left except for Gerard. Millie was sleeping on the hospital bed. Gerard was holding one of the twins and a nurse holding the other. I just couldn't stop staring at them.

"This one is Haven." Gee said not looking up from the child. "She has black hair and gray eyes just like Millie. The other is Morguean. She has brown curly hair and green eyes just like…" he trailed of from the sentence. We both didn't want to think about… him… ever again.

"Good morning Jay!" Millie's voice sounded weak. I slowly walked over to her. I felt my hands shaking.

"Hey… how you feeling?" I felt so awkward but I wasn't sure why.

"Fine now." she paused for a moment and tried to get up. Then her body relaxed and she fell back down on to the pillow. "Millie? Are you okay? Wake up!" I was starting to panic when she didn't respond. Nurses and doctors came running over anc crowded around her pushin me out. They were moving around frantically. I pulled at my hair and stared at Gerard with shock. He stood frozen in the corner his face was paler than I ever thought was possible. Haven was crying in his arms as if she knew something was wrong. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Lenny and the guys came pouring into the room a few minutes later. "What's going on? Is Something wrong? Is she okay?" I was so stressed and paniced that I couldn't tell one voice from another. I ran out of the room and paced back and fourth in the cool hallway. Millions of bad thoughts flew through my mind and I couldn't push them out. I didn't want to lose her. I was gonna ask her to marry me after high school.

**MILLIE POV:**

Last thing I remember I was talking to Jordan then everything went blank. I couldn't move, it was dark But I could still hear everything. They sounded so frantic. I was getting scared. After what felt like hours things started to quiet down. It didn't calm me any.

"Are you her father?" I heard a doctor ask.

"Yeah." I heard Gerard stand up. His voice was rough and I could tell her was crying. A lot.

"And what about you? Are you the father of these children?" the doctor asked Jordan.

"Uh, yes." he whispered.

"Well I have some important news for you. Amelia is in a coma. We don't know if she'll ever wake up. We'll keep her on life support for a while but after a period of time its your decision if you want to let her go."

If I could cry I probably would. I didn't want to live the rest on my life in darkness. I was so scared I just wanted to scream so bad but even that was impossible. I could here Lenny crying somewhere in the background and I wanted so badly to tell them everything would be alright even if it was a total lie.

I felt someone grab my hand and squeeze it. "Uh, I-I I don't know if you c-can hear me." It was Jordan. He sounded so broken down I couldn't stand it. Even though my body was numb I felt a stab in my heart cuz I knew it was me causing him this pain. "I want you to know th-that I l-l-ove you. a lot. And you'll make it through this. I promise with my life. don't leave me."

**Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've unsure but it seems, 'cause we've been waiting for into this place, just giving you a small your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway.I see a distant light, but girl this can't be a surreal place to see so how did this come to be,Arrived too when I think of all the places I just don't belong,I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far.I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear, escape from this afterlife.'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here.A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no leave this place but refrain, 'cause we've been waiting for into this place, just giving you a small your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall).No pain or sign of time (I'm much too young to fall).So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign.I've made up my me your hand but realize I just wanna say understand I have to leave and carry on my own life.I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife.'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from nothing against you and surely I'll miss place full of peace and light, and I'd hoped you might,Take me back inside, when the time is ones back home all crying 'cause they're already missing me.I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody me a chance to be that person I wanna be.(I am unbroken, I'm choking on this ecstasy.)Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live.)I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife.'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from nothing against you and surely I'll miss place full of peace and light, and I'd hoped you might,Take me back inside when the time is right. **


	20. The jetset life is gonna kill you

**JORDAN POV:**

Its been 7 months since Millie fell into a deep coma. We all have strong doubts that she'll ever wake up but no one says it out loud. We all help out to take care of the twins for her. Every time I look at them I feel guilt. Guilty that they aren't ever my own children and Millie will never get to see them again.

A few minutes later Gerard and Frank came into the hospital room. Gee looked drained and miserable. Frank had a blank expression on his face as usual. I was sitting in a chair next to Millie's bed and I was holding her hand tightly in mine slightly hoping my touch will bring life back into her. I knew it would never work. 

"How is she?" His voice sounded as he hasn't talked in months and all he's done is cry. 

"Same as always I guess." I noticed my voice sounded just as bad as his.

"I really miss her." Frank said with sadness in his voice. I could tell he was about to cry at any second. It was hard for all of us to deal with. We stayed there quietly for three hours before Gerard couldn't stand it anymore.

"I just cant take it! I don't want to have to see her like this ever again!" he ran out of the room leaving an awkward silence between me and Frank. 

"We shouldn't have to deal with this." he said after a while. "We don't have to torture ourselves like this. We should try to live our lives while she sleeps away the rest of hers." What he said pireced my heart but I knew it was true. I slowly got up and walked out of the room with him. We went to the Starbucks donw the street and found Gerard there. He refused to let us sit near him so we sat on the other side of the café and stared out the window at the rain. It was coming down fast and hard. It was so dark you could barely see the cars driving down the street from inside. We drank our coffee in silence. Everything seemed silent during the time without Millie. No one talked about her outside of te hospital and we barely talked to each other.

**Take away the sensation insideBitter sweet migraine in my headIts like a throbbing tooth ache of the mindI can't take this feeling anymoreDrain the pressure from the swelling,The sensation's overwhelming, Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alrightTell me that I won't feel a thingSo give me Novacaine**

**Out of body and out of mindKiss the demons out of my dreamsI get the funny feeling, that's alrightJimmy says it's better than here,I'll tell you whyDrain the pressure from the swelling,The sensation's overwhelming, Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alrightTell me that I won't feel a thing, So give me Novacaine**

**Oh NovacaineDrain the pressure from the swelling, The sensation's overwhelmingGive me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alrightTell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing, So give me Novacaine**

We walked home in the rain because we had no other choice. It took much longer to get home cuz of all the rain and being away from our crazy home was so much more relaxing. When we got home Lenny was sitting in the middle of the living room playing with the twins. They were so eay to tell apart from each other. Haven had short black hair and gray eyes. She's more of a reble than her sister. Morguean has curly brown hair and bright green eyes. She's more calm and sleeps way more.

"Hey guys. You're all wet." she shouted at us.

"Yeah I know!" Frank ran over to her and shook his head all over the place. His wet hair splattered drops of water all over Lenny.

"Hey stop that!" she laughed and I wondered how they could be so happy almost as if Millie was okay and our lives were back to normal. I could never go back to that again.

"Oh sorry. It'll be okay J. She'll get better. I promise." I could see tears in Lenny's eyes as she said those barely true words. "You cant give up hope. Not yet."

Lenny picked Haven from off the floor and slowly walked towards me. Her eyes looked wet. I could tell she was about to cry. "Here, hold her. I think she missed you." I carefully took the child into my arms. She was so small but filled me with happiness. The memories of Millie, then the guilt came back. "Don't cry please!" Frank begged. I hadn't even noticed the tears streaming down my cheeks. "Yea, its not your fault." Mikey told me. I barely heard the words everyone was whispering to me. I was so caught up in my own evil thoughts about what happened to Millie. I felt I could only blame myself. I shouldn't have let her be alone.

"Gee, where you been?" Ray shouted. Gerard was standing in the ay just staring into space. All my guilt faded for a moment. Something felt wrong. Something was different. "Are you okay?" I asked knowing I would get a straight answer anyway.

"I'm okay. I have to go now." he never looked at any of us as he slowly walked up the stairs towards Millie's room. It got so silent it was scary. I handed Haven to Lenny and ran up the stairs. I knocked on the door but he didn't respond. I knocked again and I heard a loud crash. Ray, Frank, and Mikey came running up.

"What's going on in there?" Ray asked panicked.

"I don't know! He wont say anything and the door is locked."

"Gee please open the door! What's going on? Are you okay?" Frank was frantic. He was pounding on the door and crying his heart out. Finally he managed to break the door and we ran in. Gerard was passed out on Millie's bed. There was an empty pill bottle on the floor next to the bed and a piece of glass from a shattered mirror in his hand. He shirt was off revealing hundreds of scars and fresh wounds. There was blood every where. I could barely hear everyone freaking out around me over my pounding heart.

Minutes later the sirens of an ambulance was right outside the house…

**LENNY POV:**

The sound of the crash was enough to stop my dying heart. I tried to stay strong for everyone but I knew deep down inside that I couldn't do it. Everything seemed to blur in front of my eyes and I didn't see a thing. My eyes burned from holding back tears that desperately wanted to escape. I just wanted to escape. But I had no where to go. My foster parents hated me. They believe my life is wrecked beyond repair. My older siblings moved out and left me to fend for myself. They never looked back. All I have is my friends who are slowly drifting apart. I can feel it. And my music. Just my music.

Sirens pierced the still air. Fear slowly sliced coldly through my numb body. Things seemed to slow down. Paramedics carried Gerard's bloody still body from upstairs and out the door to the awaiting ambulance outside. The sirens screamed at me. The lights blinded me. Jordan watched me from the stairs. I still sitting on the floor with Haven and Morguean. He just stood there. No emotion appeared on his face. No tear streamed down his cheeks as they probably were on mine. I stared blankly back at him. Everything except him disappeared. It was only me and him in the world left. that's how the world felt.

A few weeks after Millie went into a coma the band broke up. I haven't seen everyone in weeks. Possibly months. Time meant nothing anymore. I moved in with Gee and the guys but I still felt alone. Sharing this moment with Jordan made me feel less alone in the huge icy universe. There was nothing left worth living for but I knew deep down somewhere… anywhere there was a little hope.

"Hospitals give me the creeps." Frank whispered in my ear. I didn't even know I was alone in the waiting room until he came back handing me a cup of steaming coffee. I guess I wasn't alone anymore. Physically I wasn't alone but emotionally and mentally I still was. "Thanks." I mumbled and took a sip of the burning coffee. It woke me up a little. Just a little. Nothing was ever enough anymore.

"So how is he?" Frank asked after a while, breaking the silence.

"I don't know." My voice felt dry and worn out. I haven't said much to anyone in a while. I wished my vocal cords would just burn out so I wouldn't have to say anything anymore. It got silent again. I felt so numb. I needed to feel again. Anything. Just feel again. "I gotta go." I got up from my seat and ran out the door. The warm spring air wrapped around me as I ran down busy streets. I could smell the scent of future rain in the air. I looked up at the sky where dark clouds crept into the city from the distance. My senses seemed to be so much stronger. I heard people talking about shoe sales and planning vacations and when the next bus would arrive as I ran past them. They had such simple lives. It was something my whole body ached for. Just a bit of normalcy that I could grasp onto. I thought back to when I was a child. Not even that was normal.

When I was three my dad died in a plane crash on his way to a business meeting. Ironically he owned a company that made airplane parts. When I was seven my mom died in a house fire when her friend's cigarette lit the curtains on fire. Even more ironically she stopped there on her way to an anti-smoking convention. My little brother Kevin and I were left with our step father who put us up for adoption because he "couldn't handle" two little children by himself. My brother was adopted before me. I never saw him again. I traveled from home to home each family regretting they ever brought me into their lives so here I am here now. Running for unknown reasons. Living without a cause.

I finally reached the local pharmacy and slowed my paced as I walked in. I let the cool air refresh me as I caught my breath. I wandered down the near empty isles passing a few people who didn't pay any attention to me. I found an empty isle and sat on the cold floor. My tense muscles began to relax a little. It was so quiet I could only hear the sound of my own breath. My beating heart vibrated through my whole body. I could almost feel the heat of the blood rushing through me. I liked this feeling. I needed more! I peered at the objects on the shelves around me. I stood up and casually shoved a box of razor blades into the deep pocket of my old gym shorts. I tossed in a box of bandages and a bottle of antibiotic too. The rush began again as I crept passed the security trying to look as innocent as possible.

Outside it was already raining. It was coming down pretty hard. All the water made it hard to see where I was going so I went no where. I wandered around the city going nowhere at all. Within minutes I was soaked in the cold rain. I didn't even care. Nothing seemed to bother me anymore. I even laughed at it. I laughed a lot for no reason at all. Nothing was funny yet the whole world was funny!

I didn't know where I was going but I knew when I got there. I found myself at Rosie's house. We haven't talked in months yet here I was without any warning. I found it a laughable situation again. I knocked on the door but I want sure what I was going to say. "What are you doing here?" Rosie asked. I could tell she wasn't too happy to see me but she tried to keep that hidden. "Can I come in?" I gave her my best please-feel-sorry-for-me look and it worked. "I guess so. You're all wet. You can put on something of mine until you're stuff is dry." Everything looked the same as it had before. So neat and clean. Not a spec of dirt or anything out of place. I went straight up to her room and picked out an old Fall Out Boy shirt and PJ bottoms. It was like when we were little. Sleepovers and sharing clothes. I missed how simple it was then. Not normal but simple.

We met at the place where parents send their unwanted children. "Land of the Lost Toys" we used to call it. We even lived with the same family together for a while. Until they got tired of me and next me to the next family.

"I found this stuff in your pocket." Rosie tossed me the items I had just stolen. She didn't bother to ask why I had them. That's what I always liked about her. She just went along without asking. "Thanks." I mumbled. My weird high had faded and I was feeling numb again. "We're goin' out tonight. Wanna come?"

"No. I just wanna… be alone for a while."

"I heard what happened to Gerard. I'm sorry. I know you really liked him."

"Uh, yeah." I couldn't say much else. That was all my voice would allow. Just a few words at a time.


	21. we are the very hurt you sold

**ASDFGHJKLKHRGN! Sorry I havent updated in god knows how long its been! I've been meaning to and well I'm lazy. Here's the next chapter. Comment and enjoy! ****J**

I sat comfortably in a corner in Rosie's room and let the dirty business begin. I carefully ran my finger over the skin and choose a nice spot on my left arm to begin. I mindlessly poured the box of razor blades onto the floor and grabbed the nearest one. I placed the edge onto my soft cold skin and pushed it deeper and deeper into my flesh. I slowly dragged it across my arm. Blood burst from the wound filling the room with its metallic scent. It made me dizzy but it was exactly what I had wanted. I wanted to feel again. I felt the blade pierce my skin. I felt my own blood leaving my veins and filling my mind with its delicious smell. After making three long deep slices I dropped the blade and brought my arm to my nose. The blood was tempting. I licked the red gold off my arm savoring each mouthful. I wasn't in control anymore. I was mesmerized by the taste. It was better than any candy the world had to offer.

The room started spinning and I was feeling dizzy. I wobbled across the room and plopped down on the bed. I let the surroundings settle around me. It was dead silent. It haunted me. The silence allowed my mind to wonder. My wondering mind was a dangerous place. Old memories left to rot in the back of my mind. I didn't want to live through my thoughts. I pulled my Ipod out of my pocket Lonely Day by System Of a Down automatically and ironically started playing. I dug my finger into one of the cuts on my arm letting the blood free once again. The thick dark liquid poured down my arm and onto the bed staining the light colored sheets. I feel asleep in my own bed.

"Lenny?" I jumped at the voice. I didn't expect anyone to be around. I threw my bloody arm behind my back not sure what to expect. "What are you doing?" Jordan ran over to me but I couldn't move. I was in some sort of shock. "Were you drinking your own blood?" My face was still stained from earlier. He wiped the blood of my face with his sleeves like I was a little child. I couldn't do anything but cry. I was embarrassed shocked and scared. He gently wiped away my tears. He pulled me into his arms and we sat like that for a while. Not speaking. Only breathing.

His body heat warmed me. It felt good. A feeling that wasn't forced on me by sharp objects. A real feeling. Real emotion. I wanted more. I shoved my face into his bold supporting shoulder. He smelled so good. Sooner than I hoped he pulled away from me and wiped the rest of the tears off my cheeks. He didn't seem to care that I ruined his shirt with me crying onto it. He cleaned off my wounds and bandaged them up as Rosie quietly walked in. She looked shocked, scared and confused all at once. I just wanted to get out of there. She went to her closet, pulled out an old red blanket and pillow, and tossed them toward me.

"You're not going anywhere tonight. You have a lot of explaining to do." she sat on her bed never taking her eyes off me. I caught a glimpse at the clock. The red numbers shone bright in the dark room. 1:45 AM. The only emotion I felt in a long time faded away. I was numb again. My hands were shaking so bad there was no way of hiding it. Jordan grabbed my cold hands and held them tightly in his. "I've gotta go." He saw the pain that shot across my face. "I'll be back early tomorrow to take you home. I promise." I just knew I could trust him. I didn't know why but I felt it. He left the room taking my heart and soul with him.

"You have a lot of explaining to do." Rosie didn't sound demanding but it struck fear into me. I hated talking about things that caused me pain. It makes it worse. But I had no other option. We spent the rest of the night talking. I did most of the talking. She barely said a thing. Eight AM came faster than I expected. I was so hopeful that Jordan would be there but the hours passed and I hadn't left the spot on Rosie's floor.

I fell asleep on the floor around eleven. Once I was deep in sleep heat surround me. It felt nice. So nice that I wanted to embrace it. My arms unconsciously reached out to find the source of the comforting heat. I woke up finding myself curled up in Jordan's arms. I never wanted to leave him. When he noticed I was awake he gently brushed the hair from my face and held me tighter. His own face showed no expression while I'm sure mine was burning red. Just knowing how stupid I must have looked made my face get hotter. "What time is it?" I mumbled.

"Its one in the afternoon. I brought you some clothes so get a shower and I wanna take you somewhere." I didn't question it so I grabbed my clothes and ran to the shower.

"Where are we?" I asked as he pulled me through bushes, climbing over fallen trees. An old house became visible through the thick forest. "Wow it's a beautiful place." He still remained dead silent except for the leave crunching under his sneakers. He lead me up the porch where vines lightly clung to the wood. "How'd you know about this place?" I questioned one more time before he climbed through a broken window. Not wanting to be alone I followed him. It was dark and kind of dusty inside but what else would you expect from an old abandoned home? He disappeared up the long stairway so again I followed. He climbed through another window of a bedroom onto the roof of the porch. From up there you could see over the tops of the trees all the way to the lake. I could even see Millie's house.

We sat quietly on the roof watching the sunset until it was completely dark. There were no street lamps around so every star was visible. "I used to live here. Years ago." He finally spoke after hours of silence. "I used to come up here every night when my parents were arguing. I would even fall asleep here most nights. They never seemed to notice." I couldn't help but feel sad for him. I rested my head on his shoulder. He grabbed my hand in his and we were silent again. Not the awkward silence when nobody knows what to say. It was peaceful silence.

"Run away with me." I begged. "Come with me and lets just run." It seemed like such a wonderful idea. Run away from all the troubles in my life. The memories that stalk me. Just be with him forever. So close to him. "Run with me." I whispered into me ear. I could no longer resist the temptation to touch him.

**I'll be coming home just to be alone'Cause I know you're not thereAnd I know that you don't careI can hardly wait to leave this placeNo matter how hard I try you're never satisfiedThis is not a home I think I'm better off aloneYou always disappear even when you're hereThis is not my home I think I'm better off aloneHome, home, this house is not a home, homeThis house is not a homeBy the time you come home I'm already stonedYou turn off the TV and you scream at meI can hardly waitTill you get off my caseNo matter how hard I try you're never satisfiedThis is not a home I think I'm better off aloneYou always disappear even when you're hereThis is not my home I think I'm better off aloneHome, home this house is not a home, homeThis house is not a home, homeThis house is not a home, homeThis house is not a homeI'm better off aloneNo matter how hard I try, you're never satisfiedThis is not a home, I think I'm better off aloneYou always disappear even when you're hereThis is not my home I think I'm better off aloneHome, home this house is not a home, homeThis house is not a home, homeThis house is not a home, homeThis house is not a home**

"I cant go back home. I cant live without you and you know its true. Just run with me." My lips were so close to his. I could taste his sweet, alluring breath. Seconds went by and I didn't leave much space for them to pass between us.


	22. Less Than Bulletproof Heart

His eyes locked with mine for only for a second. It was as if he was ashamed of being near me. He turned away and stood up. "You know we can't do that," he whispered as he stared into the distance. I quietly looked up at him wondering where I went wrong. I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. All the things I have done. I didn't deserve him. He didn't need me but I needed him. Us being together was forbidden and I knew it. Just because my best friend was unconscious doesn't mean I can just take her place and everything would be okay. It seemed like nothing would be okay without her. I laid down on the roof and cried. I hated crying. I hated being weak but that's all I was. I was weak. I couldn't stand it more than anything. Jordan sat beside me and stroked my hair. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault," he sweetly whispered over and over. I didn't believe it. I knew everything was all my fault. I knew it. I wasn't strong enough so everything just fell apart when I came in contact with it. I wasn't making anything better at all. I destroyed it all. I felt dead in that moment of time. I was worthless.

After a while, he gently picked me up and carried me inside. I couldn't hear his footsteps on the hard wooden floor over my sobbing. He laid me down on a soft bed covered by a dusty sheet. When I stopped crying for a moment, I stared up at him as he watched over me. Within seconds, his lips latched on to mine. So warm and inviting, I couldn't fight back. I probably should have but I was weak in every way. I could resist the temptation that was lying right in front of me. I wanted him more than I could ever admit. "Don't let me go," I whispered. He responded by grasping me tighter in his strong arms. I felt so safe for once in my life. He stopped for a moment to pull off his shirt and slip off his jeans. I loved where things were going. My clothes ended up in a pile of the floor next to his. Forgotten and unneeded.

Our bodies mingled together in the most beautiful way. It was forever. An eternity. It was like an eternity we spent tangled with each other but somehow it still wasn't long enough. Just not nearly long enough. It was a cool night. The slightly open window let in a stream of cold wind but we were sweating anyway. So much movement, so much passion, made us immune to the coldness around us. We were temporarily living in the warm world of our love. I felt as though nothing could separate us. We mingled and danced. The window steamed up. Our time in the magic moment was short but I lived as if it would be forever hoping it wouldn't be quickly forgotten. Then we were gone. Separated souls. No longer one. I was empty again.

He sat on the edge of the bed wearing only his black jeans, staring at the floor. He looked up at me with a half smile for a second and looked back down at his feet. He was nervous. I could see it in his face even though it was so dark. "Maybe we should get back home now?" He said slowly making it sound like a question. His voice rang though the silent house. I loved it. I leaned in towards him. So close I could. feel his warm breath on my face. I gently inhaled his scent. I was my poison. The venom I thrived on.

"Or maybe we don't have a home. Can't we just stay here? At least for the night?" I begged. His eyes glistened in the moonlight.

"Okay. But only for tonight." I reached my arms out silently begging him to curl up next to me. He half smiled and crawled up towards me. We both quickly fell asleep in each other's arms.

**You're always dying inside that much closer to homeOn a crowded street corner surrounded by people all alonePain in the heart, rain in the dark, the wind is glum and bitterShe walks around the corner, it's like she brought the sun with herThen everything just brightened up, I couldn't make this upMy fingers in my eyes as she walked by like I was waking upAnd so many words, I couldn't string a sentence together to bother herI instantly forgot all my plans and started to follow herIt's like the sky opened and God handed you directly to meI know it sounds crazy but so is life, I'm sinkingAnd feeling like your heart is beating solely for meYour legs are long and toned, you must be walking homeI love the way your lips move when you're talking on your phoneIntoxicating yet truly undue impuritiesPlague every thought of you while I'm trailing you like you're securityLost, we couldn't know our paths would cross but time knew itFeet sticking out the window, a opportunity climbing through itPain for sale, looking to find a new takerChance to speak blown, when you looked at me I looked in the newspaperBecause the sky opened and God handed you directly to meI know it sounds crazy but so is life, I'm sinkingAnd feeling like your heart is beating solely for meI'm miles out of my way, creepy, I want moreWas gonna turn back but you stuck your key in your front doorI'm standing across the street, stars that aligned us to meetStanding outside with your trash feeling incompleteMy finger aching for your doorbell like a random blogInstead I lurk outside in the cold like an abandoned dogPerish the thought, you should cherish the words that I got in my mouthThe only words that can truly explain how I got in your houseBecause the sky opened and God handed you directly to meI know it sounds crazy but so is life, I'm sinkingAnd feeling like your heart is beating solely for meUnlikely, impossible, I couldn't dream to think itThere's something happening between us you can't deceiveI'm so in over my head I've learned to breathe in itYour eyes are screaming and you're saying, "Oh baby" to meIf there was a way out I think you would've taken itMy hands and arms are the only way that you can leaveFace to face for the first time, you feel what I'm feelingSelfishly no longer breathing because of me **

Footsteps rattled through the old house. I squeezed my eyes closed tighter pretending they weren't there. I could still feel Jordan wrapped around me. I didn't care to think about who I heard walking down the halls. I wanted a few more hours of alone time with Jordan before facing the world again.

"Frank told me I'd find you guys here." I opened my eyes and squinted from the bright sun shining throughout the room. I blinked until I could see clearly again. Gerard was standing in the doorway of the bedroom, his hand combing nervously through his hair. The sun shining through the window made him look ghost-like. A sinful angel standing right in front if us. I sat up on the bed not sure what to say.

"How'd you find us here?" Jordan said. His hair was messy and he squinted through the light. His shirt was still on the floor where it left it last night. I admired his bare body in the sunlight. I wished I could be all mine. I wished time would stop right there. I wanted him in that time and place forever. "Be my vampire forever." I whispered. I wasn't sure if had ignored me or didn't hear my tiny voice.

"Frank followed you guys here the other night. He was worried and wanted to know where you were going. So how did you find this place? What are you doing here?" Gerard's voice sounded like a distant whisper. I didn't care about what he was saying. Jordan climbed from the bed, put on his shirt and fixed his hair a bit. I didn't get my wish.

"That's not really important right now."

"We live here now. Just us. This is our home." I couldn't control myself. The words spilled out. I wanted it to be true but it wasn't.

"What? You guys can't stay here. We all need you back home!" His eyes were red and watery. Lonely tears streamed from his eyes. He's been through so much.

"No one needs me!" I cried. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I was ruining everyone's lives. I was ruining my own life. I didn't want to be a part of this anymore. _The window._ Jordan pulled me into a tight hug. He mumbled something that I couldn't understand. _The window._ Both Jordan and Gerard tried to comfort me. _The window._ They only made me feel worse. I broke from Jordan's arms and ran toward the open window. "NO!" Gerard screamed. The both ran after me. Jordon reached for my arm but missed. I climbed out the window onto the roof and stood there. I stared at the ground below me. I looked back at them for a brief second. I knew in my head that I was making a mistake but my body wanted to be free from the pain. I couldn't take it anymore. I was fighting with myself all day and night. I looked back again. They just stood there staring at me. They looked confused and scared. They didn't believe that I would do it. I proved them wrong. _The ground._

**GERARD POV:**

"Christmas… doesn't exist without you." I held Millie's cold hand. Her body still lifeless on the hospital bed.

"Don't worry Gee. We'll get her back soon." I could hear the fear in Frank's voice. I didn't look up at him but I knew he was holding back the tears. He put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. I was tired of people trying to make things better. It wasn't working. They had to watch what they said around me so I wouldn't hurt too badly. Mikey even suggested I go to therapy. I didn't want or need help from psychos or their pills. I just needed time to handle things on my own.

Jordan brought in Lenny in a wheelchair. When she jumped, she was in the hospital for about 3 weeks before she could even leave the bed. She broke legs, her entire left arm and her right wrist. She had three cracked ribs and many other injuries. She wouldn't be allowed for leave for another week.

They placed gifts on the table next to Millie's bed. There were several presents for her left by friends. Ray bought her a neon green and black guitar. Frank got a puppy, Mikey got a stuffed unicorn and Bob got drumsticks. I wrote a song. It was the only thing I could think of that wouldn't be so materialistic. I couldn't stand that shit. I needed something that meant more that a price tag. Money never mattered.

I sat in that chair holding her hand for hours. People came and went. They tired to comfort me but I ignored them all. I didn't want to her their stories of why I should move on and forget. Just relax. I didn't want to relax, forget, or move on. I made a promise that I would never leave her and no matter what I was gonna keep that promise forever. "I'm sorry.", Frank whispered. He sat awkwardly in the chair next to me. I still refused to look at anyone. "I'm sorry.", he whispered again.

"I don't wanna hear it.", I hissed coldly. "I don't care how sorry you or anyone else is cuz it's not gonna help at all."

"I was just… I think… I'm still sorry." Tears came down his cheeks and I instantly felt regretful. Before I apologize he left the room. It was just me and Millie again. I looked down at her. She was still pale and lifeless. I rested my head on the bed next to her body and cried. I cried for everyone. It felt as if everyone's emotions were given to me. I drifted off listening to the sounds of my sobbing. I tried to figure out where I went wrong. I felt like this was all my fault and I was the one that needed to fix it. I was responsible for everything that happened to this girl and I was letting her slip away. At that moment I started to lose hope. I let faith slide out from my reach. I closed my eyes tight and let the world go black. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't want to care anymore.

**MILLIE POV:**

Things went from quiet to loud. From dark to bright. The lights of the hospital room blinded me. I blinked a few times until it became bearable. Everything was still fuzzy. I could make out shapes of people. They were talking loudly and moving around a lot. My senses were still too sensitive. I could barely understand what they were saying but I could tall they were arguing. "Mommy?" I muttered, my voice was weak and cracked. I wasn't sure if they even heard me. Apparently they did because they stopped arguing and rushed toward me. I still couldn't see straight.

"I'm here for you honey!" A lady grabbed me into a hug. I groaned, my body sore. I didn't have to strength to break from her grip. "Now that you're awake I can take you home. I'll make you all better. If I would have tried harder to bring you home before this would have never happened. This is all his fault!" She glared at a man standing in toe corner of the room. He looked shocked and terrified. I had no idea who these people were. I felt a warm tear roll down my cheek. I couldn't remember anything. I didn't know why I was in the hospital or who anyone was. I couldn't remember who my parents, friends, or enemies were. I was so scared.


	23. Our Lady of Sorrows

_**So, so very sorry for not writing in god knows how long. Things got crazy and I got distracted. I've been re-reading previous chapters and editing a lot! I'll be putting up the edited chapters soon and I wont write anything new until I'm finished with the others but here's a very small something just for now! Hopefully I wont disappear for long ever again! 3 **_

"Who… are you?" I asked the woman that was still hugging me. My voice was weak. I wasn't even sure if she heard it. She quickly pulled away from me. Her face twisted in anger. She looked as if she wanted to slap me. I was so confused and scared. I didn't know what to do.

"Don't act like that! Just because you decided to run away and live with some strange people doesn't mean I'm not your mother anymore. You're coming home with me tonight weather you like it or not." My Mother? I still barely knew what was going on. Why had I run away? I reached far back into my memory but I could find anything. Just darkness. No past. Only present.

"You're my mom?" I noticed a pale man with black hair standing in the corner. His eyes were wet; I could tell he wanted to cry. I just didn't know why. I wanted to comfort the beautiful stranger with my mysterious eyes. I felt some sort of feeling between us but I couldn't make any connections. "Who's that?" I asked without taking my eyes from him. I knew he was someone special in my life.

"He's… no one important." My mother hesitated. She wouldn't even look in his direction. She began stuffing clothes and other items I guessed were mine into a bag.

"Why don't you tell her who I really am?" He came out from the corner practically shouting. He stared into my eyes. I could look again. The connection felt even stronger.

"Dad?" I whispered.

"Don't say that!" My mother shrieked.

"Why not? If he's my father don't I deserve to know?" I lashed out at her. My head spun. I had no energy for this much emotion yet. I just wanted to know what was going on.

"You don't matter anymore. All you've done was gotten her hurt. She needs to come home with me! With people who will help her! She doesn't need you and never will!"

"She doesn't need me? I'm the one who was there for EVERYTHING! Through the good times and the bad times! I defended her no matter what! I let her be herself! Even when she was pregnant! I was there! And where were you all this time?" Pregnant? What? What else had I been through?

"Oh… I didn't know she was… No one ever told… how was I supposed…"

"Exactly! It's only because you weren't there! You never cared! EVER! Why don't you just leave now!" She slowed backed out the room with tears on her cheeks. I barely knew who she was but I didn't feel bad at all. I was actually glad she left. Moments later three guy came into the room. One with poofy brown hair that I wanted to cuddle. The other was really short but super cute. The last was kinda of tall and looked kind of awkward. They rushed over all hugging me and shouting at me. The warmth and happiness of these stranger comforted me. "Daddy who are these guys?" I struggled to say through their cheers and hugs.

He was crying but this time it was tears of happiness. "That's Ray, Frank, and my little bro Mikey. By the way my name is Gerard."

"Why are you introducing us? She knows exactly who we are!" Frank shouted.

"She just woke up guys! She doesn't have much memory. We'll have to explain everything. She'll probably regain her memory after a while when she has time to heal and recover."

"What are you, a doctor?" Frank laughed a cute laugh.

"No, he is!" Mikey pointed to a man walking into the room.

He looked up at me and dropped his clipboard. He walked right passed it with eyes wide. He checked all the computers and monitors that I was connected to. His eyes were wide with shock. He quickly ran out of the room and retuned a minute later with a nurse. They stood by the door whispering to each other then came over to us. "How are you feeling? When did she wake up?" He asked while studying me.

"She hasn't been awake for long. Her… someone she used to know was here but I made her leave cause I thought the stress would be bad for her now." Gerard explained.

"It's amazing! We never expected her to awake up." I choked a little when I realized how close I was to death.

"When can she come home? Everyone misses her. We're so thankful she's alive!"

"We'll need to keep her a while to make sure she's stable and has no lasting effects but she should be ready for home in about a week." Everyone let out a sigh of relief. I couldn't keep back the tears anymore. So much emotion flooded me at once.

"We cant wait for you to come home! You'll get meet everyone AGAIN! You'll see your twins!" Gee shouted.

"Twins? I have twins? How come I don't remember this? How come I don't remember anything? Why? This isn't fair! I hate my life! I hate it so much!" I screamed and cried.

"Its actually normal to have memory loss after a person has been in a coma." The doctor stated. It only made things worse. I cried more.

"Is it permanent? Is there anything we can do? Will she ever remember?" Gerard frantically questioned the doctor. Mikey, Frank and Ray surrounded me trying to calm me down. It wasn't helping much since I still had no idea who these guys really were.

"It might be permanent, it might not. She's been out for so long I cant be sure yet. So people start to slowly remember and some don't. The best thing is when she gets home just try to explain things and show pictures and do the best you can to remind her of her life the way it was."

"So I might never remember?"

"Shh, don't say that! Of course you'll remember!" Gerard sat on the hospital bed next to me. He pulled my crumpled body into his arms and stoked my hair. I cried into his shoulder. I tugged at his sweater. I shivered in his warmth. I tried my hardest to reach back into my memory. Tried to find any sign of light in the hallow darkness. All I could remember is a smell. I smell I couldn't recognize. It was a beautiful smell. I wanted it.


End file.
